


Painful Secrets

by itstwinkle



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-05
Updated: 2013-09-07
Packaged: 2017-12-22 12:39:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/913322
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itstwinkle/pseuds/itstwinkle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel had two secrets..well that's a lie,he had plenty of them but these two were the ones he intended to take to the grave.But what happens when his secrets starts getting out,how will people look at him?Especially Dean.What will he do when his secrets collapse around him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first secret

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! So I'm new at this,and I really hope some people will give my fanfic a chance.  
> Please leave feedback telling me if you liked it,if you didn't and what I should fix. :)

Painful secrets  
It was just another lonely night,like every other before.A new day had gone by.A day full of the same old pains and the same old way to deal with them.  
Castiel stood up and lifted his sleeve.Taking a razor from his pocked he placed it on his arm.  
Slowly pulling it he watched as his skin started ripping and as blood started coming out.He smiled.  
He repeated.Again and again and again. It has happened before.Usually he would do 1 or 2 cuts,but there were times in which he couldn’t stop. He couldn’t control himself anymore.  
Tiny drops fell on his carpet.He didn’t worry.We was used to cleaning it up.  
Castiel smirked for a moment,feeling a little proud of the fact that he had been doing it for months and no one ever noticed,but his smile slowly faded as he saw his older brother Gabriel standing at the door.  
Gabriel always had a smile on his face and made jokes about everything but this..this was the first time Castiel had ever seen his brother look so confused.  
Mouth open,eyes looking in disbelief,trying to hopelessly find an explanation.  
Castiel didn’t know what to do.He just stood there with the razor,still on his arm.He couldn’t move.There was no excuse in the world he could make up,no lie he could possibly tell,to somehow clear his name and make this out to be something else.  
Gabriel didn’t act how he had expected. He was rather calm unlike the scenario Castiel had made up,what would happen in someone were to find out.He imagined yelling and drama,but no.Gabriel just stood there for a couple of moments,and then slowly started walking towards Cas in caution.   
“Give me the razor.”He said,as calm as he could.  
“N..no..” Castiel didn’t really know why he said no,why he even said anything.All he knew was that he was busted and it would not be pretty.  
“GIVE ME THE DAMN THING!”Gabriel finally blew like Castiel expected him to.  
He slowly handed him the razor and Gabriel took it and threw it on the floor behind him.  
“No!Someone could see it!”Castiel started.  
“Why?”Gabriel kept looking at his arm still not being able to believe it.  
“Excuse me?”Castiel looked at him.”Why..why did you do this to yourself?Please explain it to me because this was the last thing I expected to see..”  
“P..please don’t tell anyone.”  
“Answer the question.”Gabriel demanded.  
“I can’t tell you…”  
“Is that so!? Maybe you can tell Anna,when I tell her.Or Michael,or maybe even Dean,or any of your other friends.”Gabriel had enough.  
“You can’t tell them!Please!”Castiel pleaded grabbing Gabriel before he could walk out.”I won’t do it again! I promise! Just…just don’t tell them!”  
Gabriel laughed.And it wasn’t his usual laugh.Castiel had never heard this one before.It was kinds like saying ‘do you really think I’m an idiot’ laugh.  
It was a lie and both of them knew it.  
“Oh,you’d like that wouldn’t you? Get off with a cheap lie,have no one but me finding out,and just keep doing the same?”  
Castiel’s eyes met the ground.  
“I don’t think so!”Gabriel tuned around,rested his head into his hands and groaned.”Why Cas!?Why!?”  
“Gabriel please!I swear I’ll never do it again! I swear,I swear,I swear!”Castiel was begging.He started panicking.  
“Alright.”Gabriel turned to him.”I won’t say a word,but just know this,I will be checking your arms every single day.I’ll even strip you naked and check your whole body if I have to.But know..If I see one scratch on you,I will tell everyone!”  
“Alright..”Castiel looked down.”But they aren’t that bad.”He stared at the scars on his arm.  
“You cut your skin..you bleed and you might need stitches!”  
“Oh no..never stitches..those cuts would be really bad.”Castiel went over them with his fingers.  
Gabriel shook his head and started at the razor.”Wouldn’t want to do anything bad now would you?”  
He walked out and Castiel just stood there,silently going out of his mind.  
~o~  
It’s been two hours and he still couldn’t believe it.How could he had been so reckless!? Why didn’t he just close the stupid door!? Why did Gabriel have to show up!? Why did someone have to find out!? Why!?  
Castiel took his pillow,placed it over his head,and just screamed.When the pillow was lifted,it was wet.  
He breathed heavily,and his voice started getting shaky.  
The only thoughts going threw his head were questions that just had no answers.  
He didn’t know what he was going to do, nor how he was going to look Gabriel in the eye again.  
It was driving him insane and without noticing,tears were bursting out of his eyes.


	2. It was all down hill from there

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo I really hope you liked it :) Feedback feeds my soul ♥

At the Novak house every morning is the same.One by one the Novak kids come down stair to the big kitchen,by the staircase. The placed themselves at the breakfast bar,wait for whoever woke up first (which would usually be Anna or Michael)to serve them breakfast.When they were all there,some still half asleep,they would chat about their plans for the day.  
Michael would always finish first because he had to go to work.Wish them a lovely day.Anna would usually be second to finish,also rushing to her new internship as an assistant at some firm.Then the only ones left would be Castiel,Gabriel and Balthazar.Gabe and Balthazar would have a food fight,and later ask Cas who won,and he would just give them a thumbs up.They would also leave and Cas would just sit there and slowly finish up.They all found it hard,not having parents around,especially Michael and Anna because they had to take care of the others,but they adjusted.  
Yes that is what a typical morning in the Novak house would look like,but this time,something was definitely off.   
~o~  
Castiel just looked at the food on his plate.He wasn’t really in the mood for breakfast.  
He was when he woke up,but then he remembered last night,and not even Anna’s famous grilled cheese sandwiches could bring his appetite up.  
“Balthazar,Gabe wake up!”  
Anna yelled from the edge of the staircase.  
“Gotta run Cassie!Make sure they wake up! ”The kissed Castiel’s forehead.”Love you,bye!”  
“Bye Anna!”And there he was,all alone at the table.Praying to the heavens Gabriel wouldn’t even show up,but there he was.  
With big,dark circles under his eyes,uncombed hair,and missing a sock.He looked like he didn’t get any sleep.Well,that would make two of them.  
“You know Cas..”He started.”I’ve been thinking..how did I not notice this before!?”He cluckled.Was that all he was thinking about?”I mean for the love of God!It’s spring and you haven’t stopped wearing long sleeved shirts!?”  
Castiel didn’t say a word,but just kept looking at the full plate in front of him that would not disappear like he hoped it would.  
“It’s just..Look,I’ve been thinking about this all night!And I still can’t understand..why!?I mean I looked everywhere in my brain,but I just can’t find a reason!”  
Castiel signed. To be fear, he had this coming for a while.A long while.  
Gabriel sat next to him,and grabbed his sandwich.   
“The you r Balt..ha..z.er.”Gabe tried to greet his brother with him mouth still full of food.  
“He..ei..am..”He mimicked walking down the stairs.  
“So Cassie,do you know why I barely got sleep?”  
Crap.Castiel thought.  
“Your best friend,Dean Winchester,called at six,I mean for the love of God who waked up at six,to tell me to tell you,that if you didn’t mind you two could watch Jaws tonight.”  
Castiel’s brain stopped for a minute but then he remembered he had made plans with Dean to come over that night.  
He nodded.  
“Well,that is all I wanted to inform you,I still have an hour before school starts,so if I skip breakfast I can get some more sleep!Balthazar,out!”He ran back upstairs.  
And Him and Gabriel were alone,again.Great.  
“Dean!”Gabriel jumped.”I didn’t examine Dean!”  
Castiel felt like his heart was going to jump out of him chest.For a moment he couldn’t even breathe.  
“Did you two have a fight or something!? Ofcourse you didn’t,he wouldn’t be coming over tonight if you did..Hmm..what else cou-”He cut off.”Castiel!?”  
At that moment Gabriel’s heart broke.He saw something he had never seen before.His brother crying.  
He couldn’t believe it.  
“Cas..are you okay?”  
“Why can’t you just let it go!? “ Castiel yelled.”I said I wasn’t going to do it anymore! So why do you have to examine me like a lab rat!? Why can’t you just let it go!?”He grabbed his backpack from the other chair and ran out.  
Gabriel can’t remember a time when he felt worse about himself.But he still couldn’t understand.What was bugging Cas so much,and why couldn’t he share it with his own family?!

 

10:32 From:Gabe  
Cas,where are you man? I know you’re not in school,simply because Dean called to ask where the hell were you.Look,I didn’t feel like going to school,so just come home and we’ll hang out,I promise I won’t bug you.Just..Forget it,just come home 

10:35 From:Gabe  
Cassie,I know you read my text!Please,I’m really sorry! 

10:39 From:Gabe  
Okay,this is the last one I’m sending you!If you still don’t feel like talking to me just send me a smiley face in a message just so I can know you’re alright.  
He heard the door open and turned around.  
It was Castiel.He was the same as when he left.In a blue jumper,jeans and sneakers.Hair still combed,and his backpack on his shoulder.  
“Where were you?”Gabriel asked quietly.  
“You know that building that you can go to the roof?You know the one I go for my quiet time?”  
Gabriel’s chest hurt because before he was a little scared of Cas going up there alone,but now,when he found out ,he thanked the lords he was alright.  
“Yeah,I know what you mean..”  
The rest of the day,while everyone else was out,Gabe and Cas spent playing Just Dance 4.  
It was full of laughs,cheers,and Gabriel’s comments,on how he can do a better Rihanna.  
Castiel was actually having fun.It was something he hadn’t felt in a long time.He especially fount it fun when Gabriel fell.   
And Gabriel seemed to be having blast aswell. That is until it became to hot and Castiel had to take his jumper of,leaving him in a blue t-shirt,revealing what Gabriel loathed so much.  
“Do they hurt?”Gabriel said so quietly,that it was almost unhearable.  
“Not today not..”Castiel answered going over them with his fingers.  
“They always as bad as the ones from yesterday?”  
“No..not really..I got a little distracted yesterday.”His voice gave a hint of accusation,but Gabe just brushed it off.  
“No more,right?”He asked just waiting for Castiel’s meek ‘yes’.  
~o~  
“I’m going out!”Anna said,just lound enough for everyone to hear her,but then remembered Castiel was the only one home.  
“Is your friend…Dean..right..coming over tonight?”  
“He’ll be here any seco-hi Dean!”  
He said and waved to Dean who was still standing by the door talking on the phone.   
Castiel gave a brief smle,because at that moment he remembered that Dean was wearing the same exact outfit as he was the day they me.  
~o~  
“You’re coming to my party,right?”Jo asked,with her cheerful smile.  
With one hair,tangled up in the curls of her long,blonde hair,and the other on her hip,she gave her best friend a look he couldn’t refuse.  
“Ofcourse I am Joey!”Dean answered,messing up her hair,to make sure he remembered she was shorter than him.Dean like doing that for some reason,that no one could actually understand.  
“So,how’d you guys do on the chem. Test?”  
Behind Dean,stood another one of the people he could never forget,not even long after high school.Bella.  
Both her and Jo were truly beautiful girls.Jo,long blonde hair,beautiful eyes,and a kind smile,and Bella,with her hazel hair,and both equally feisty eyes and smile.Jo always did what she was told,was honest,caring,selfless.While Bella,never really did what she was told,well,no completely.She liked to take things from people,for God knows what reason.She was a great friend,but she had her glitches/  
“I did ok.”Dean said.”Tel me Bella..why the smirk? Jo and I both know you never study,let alone chemistry.”  
“You know I made a fuss about it,but siting behind the Novak kid in chemistry,was the best thing that ever happened to me.The kid lets you copy everything!”  
“The Novak kid?”Dean looked plain confused.He only Novak’s he knew were Gabriel,the guy that’s a junior now,that is,a year older,and Anna,the beautiful red head that graduated a year ago.  
“Yes dumbass,Castiel Novak.You know,the kid that seems to just not like people,or talking,or anything.”Bella explained.  
“Wow Bella,come on!He isn’t that bad!” Jo protested.”Once when I forgot my lunch,he just game me his,I didn’t even ask!So he’s pretty nice.”Jo smiled.  
“He’s nice but he’s a total loner!It’s been what,a year and a half since we’ve ‘met’him.He never shows up to a school dance,never goes out ,from what Gabe told me,and before you ask,yes,I know Gabe.My brother and him are best friends.”  
“Maybe he’s just shy.”Jo added.  
“Maybe he wants someone to talk to him.”Dean said,because he reminded him of his brother,Sam.”Sammy used to be really shy,and then people came and started talking to him,and eventually he became awesome.Well,not as awesome as me,but he’ll get there one day.”Dean winked.  
“Oh shut up Dean! You didn’t even know who the kid was!”Pamela said,looking at Dean with that ‘the fuck you sayin’ ‘ look.  
“Oh come on!Hey Jo,can I try and invite him to your party?”  
“Sure thing!Let’s go Bel’ ”She grabbed Bella and they went to lunch.  
When Dean came in the cafeteria.he saw Castiel sitting all alone at one of the tables.He knew it was him because he was the only one reading a book during lunch.  
“Er..hey!”Dean greeted him,and Castiel just looked up at him,and continued reading.  
“So um,hi!We haven’t officially met,but my nam-”  
“Is Dean Winchester.I know who you are,what can I do for you?”  
Dean’s mouth was still open.He thought the kid would at least let him finish his sentence.  
“So um can I um..ouch!”Trying to pick up a chair and sit,Dean hit his elbow on the table.”I’ll just..go..”  
Dean smiled,trying to pick up the rest of his dignity and just walk away.  
“Just..sit down.”Castiel said,and shyly smiled.  
“Thanks.”  
Dean sat and they started talking.  
“What kind of music are you in Castle?”  
“Castiel.”  
And after a long talk they realized they had a lot of things in common,laughed,started sharing secrets,Cas came to Jo’s party,where she and Bella realized he was a really cool guy too.  
~o~  
“Who’s he talking to?”Anna interrupted Castiel’s thoughts.  
“Probably his girlfriend.”  
“Oh.Do you know who she is?”  
“You don’t know her”  
Anna laughed.”Oh come on Cassie!I’m not that older than you!”  
“Ok,so at first I thought the long phone calls were with Jo,but then I realized it would be weird calling your best friend who is like a sister to you,’babe’ and then he told he he was dating Lisa.”  
“Hm..Lisa…Lisa..does he have an older brother?”  
“Yes.”  
“He was one of my best friends.Lisa is a really nice girl by the way.”  
She winked.”Hi Dean,bye Dean.”She walked out.  
“Hey Cas!”Dean greeted and walked in.  
“So um..how are things with Lisa?”Castiel asked,nervously tapping his fingers on his leg.  
“Oh..good!She is out of town for a week,so I’m missing her like crazy!”  
“Do you want a sandwich?”  
Castiel just interrupted the conversation,like it built of dead silence.  
Just a random question,in the middle of something.Dean found it a bit odd,but chose to ignore it.  
“Sure thing!”  
He rushed to the kitchen and grabbed bread and a knife.  
In a moment he didn’t even know what he was doing only to realize that he was holding the knife and gripping it to tight at the wrong end.He only noticed this when blood started coming out of his hand.  
“Crap!” Castiel hissed loudly,throwing the knife back on the table,putting his other hand over the cut.  
“What happened?”Dean asked and Castiel winced,keeping his hand over the cut,that was now mixed with all the secrets he kept.  
“Just cut myself..I’m gonna go to the bathroom to put a bandage over it!”  
He just rushed out of the kitchen not giving Dean time to ask to see it.  
Dean turned around as he heard Gabriel pop out of the next room to see what had happened.  
“Oh,Cas just cut himself,he went to the bathroom to get a bandage.”  
“Is that so?”Gabriel asked and rushed upstairs.  
The first place he looked was Castiel’s room,seeing that the only lights that were turned on were in his bathroom,he rushed in.  
“We had a deal.”The muttered and Castiel looked up.  
“It was an accident,I swear!”He said,trying to sound as calm as possible.  
Gabriel grabbed his hand,but Castiel quickly pulled it away.  
“I don’t need a babysitter Gabriel!Leave me the fuck alone!”  
“No,you need a doctor!”Gabe shot back,but pulled back after seeing the flash of pain on Castiel’s face.  
“I’m fine..”Castiel said as quiet as possible.The truth is,he didn’t really believe it either.  
“No,you’re not!”Gabriel yelled,and Castiel put his head down,trying to look like this was nothing.  
“Prove it!”He shot back,but regretting it from the moment those words carelessly jumped out of his mouth.  
Gabriel casually nodded.”Fine.”He looked at Cas one more time.”Dean,could you come here for a moment?!"  
“What have you done!?”Castiel asked,completely disgusted.  
Gabriel knew he shouldn’t have done it,the moment he did,he regretted it.  
Castiel could not,clearly hear Dean walking up the stairs.Step by step,his footsteps slowly ripped the last thread his secret was holding on to.


	3. Possibilities

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! How do you like it s far? :) x

And there he was,Dean Winchester,standing by his bedroom door.  
Castiel completely frightened, kept holding his breath,praying he would just choke.  
He saw them standing in the bathroom,and calmly made his way there.  
When Dean came in the bathroom,he looked puzzled.He didn’t know why Cas looked like he had just survived a massacre,and why Gabriel looked like he had just let someone die.  
“What’s going on?”He asked Gabe who looked at Cas and bit his lip regretfully. He then looked at Cas,hopelessly trying to make eye contact with him,but Castiel just looked t the ground,look ashamed.  
“Dean-”Gabriel started trying to save the situation,even though he knew it was too late for that.  
“Cas”Dean finally looked into his eyes and softly smiled,like a mother that knew her child was upset about something.”What happened?”  
Castiel didn’t say a word,he just kept looking down.  
“Cas..”Gabe started,choosing his words carefully.”I think it’s best you just show him.”  
“You promised..”Cas said,so quiet,Gabe was surprised he even heard it.  
“So did you!”Gabriel hissed at him.As bad as he felt right now,they did have a deal.  
“Wait..Show me what!? What promise!? What is going on!?”Dean started speaking louder,breaking the mournful silence.  
He massaged his forehead,and stepped out of the bathroom,making his way to the bed and sitting on the edge.  
Castiel thought he could just leave,but when he was abut to,Dean’s voice stopped him.  
“Come here..”  
Dean said.Castiel turned around and came because he knew he saw screwed no matter what he did.  
He sat next to Dean.  
“We’re best friends,you know that right?”Dean sadly smiled.”You’re supposed to tell me everything.You’re supposed to tell me when something is going on.”  
“I don’t have to tell you everything.”The room fell back into tense silence.  
Dean looked confused and hurt,which made Cas break even more,  
“Please tell me what’s going on..”Dean finally said,weakly.  
“Just show him!”Gabriel said,a bit impatient.  
“Please..don’t make me..”  
“Show him Castiel,or I will.”He said,feeling like the biggest dick in the world.  
Castiel’s eyes immediately met the ground once again.He looked so weak and vulnerable.  
Gabriel signed and before he could say anything„Castiel lifted his sleeve and closed his eyes.  
Dean leaned forward.He looked in confusion,and ran his hand over the cuts,before turning to Cas.  
“How’d that happen?” he asked, completely innocent,and it made Cas hurt even sadder than he already was.  
Castiel opened his eyes, struggling to find what to say.  
He looked over at Gabriel whose eyes screamed ‘TELL HIM!’,but e couldn’t hold it in anymore.  
“He did that to himself.”Gabriel broke,now feeling worse,if it was possible.  
“I didn’t!”Castiel protested almost automatically.  
“You don’t?”Dean asked looking at Castiel,he nodded,looking back at him with eyes almost broken.”Than how’d that happen?”  
“I broke a vase,and cut myself.”  
“Bullshit!”Gabe muttered.  
“Hold on.”Dean said completely calm.”Let’s hear him out.”  
“How did you break it?”He asked and a small broken smile appeared on his face.  
“What does that have to do with anything?”  
“Just..Humor me..”  
Castiel closed his eyes once more,trying to find a good enough lie.  
“I accidentally knocked it over.”  
“When?”  
“When what!?”  
“When did you brake a vase so many times that you cut yourself this much?”  
Castiel couldn’t answer.  
“You cut yourself.”It wasn’t a question,it was more like Dean saying it out loud and trying to accept the thing he prayed would not be true.  
Castiel bit his lip nervously.”It’s not that bad.I don’t do it that often.”  
The room fell back into dead silence.  
“You need help Cas..”Gabe said and Castiel turned to Dean,almost begging his to disagree.  
Dean narrowed his eyes and nodded.  
“I don’t want to.”Castiel whispered,still looking at Dean.  
“I’m sorry.”Dean replied,lifeless.Not moving his eyes from the wall in front of him,he felt his throat get dry.  
“People will find out!”Castiel muttered brokenly.  
Dean reached out tugging Castiel’s arm and pulling him down on the bed.  
He placed himself nest to Cas.  
“So what if they do?Everybody has issues.”He said silently,staring at the sealing.  
Castiel rested his head on Dean’s shoulder and signed defeated,pulling his sleeve back down.Dean carefully reached and pulled it back up.  
“No more hiding it.”He said gently.  
The room back back in silence,which was a lot less uncomfortable now,almost pleasant.  
“Does help mean therapy?”He asked silently.  
No one said a word,but he understood.”It’ll help you.”  
Dean finally said.They were still lying there,and Gabriel slowly left the room.  
~o~  
It’s been twenty minutes and neither of them bothered to move.They didn’t say a word.  
Dean was caught up in his thoughts.All he could think about was how to help Cas,and Cas,he didn’t think.His mind was completely empty,which has not happened in a long while.All he knew was that he was laying next to Dean and that it felt good.No more nasty thoughts.He didn’t even think about the reactions of his other sibling when they found out.He didn’t think about anything,and keeping his mind blank,was one of the best damn feeling he felt in a while.  
He slowly closed his eyes.His body,that was usually tense,completely relaxed and he breathed in deeply.Dean’s had slowly turned when he felt something change.He saw Castiel with eyes closed and a shy smile appeared on his face.  
He looked back at the sealing. He relaxed a little but what kept eating him up on the inside was the fact that he never noticed how broken his friend was.He kept wondering how he didn’t even assume something was wrong.Then he thought about the reason.Before this he thought he knew everything about Cas.His life was good,he was a complicated but good hearted person.He loved life and helping others,he had incredibly annoying siblings.But he kept the last one to himself„except when it was about Gabriel.When he gave his opinion on him,his vocabulary got bigger by a lot of words,and that made Cas laugh.It made him amused.  
He turned his mind to another page.  
How could a person,that wasn’t afraid to really show it when he found something funny,which he found oftenly,be so screwed up to start hurting himself.  
Dean remembered well,from watching some movie with Sam and Jo,that people cut themselves,usually to take the ‘other’pain away.So,the question was,what could be hurting Cas?  
For a brief moment he stopped thinking and took one more look at Cas.  
He fell asleep.  
Dean sighed it relief for some reason,and closed his eyes as well.  
~o~  
“He does what!?”Anna said loudly,placing a worried hand on her forehead walking around the living room.  
“How long have you known about this!?”Michael asks standing up from the coutch.  
“Why didn’t you tell us Gabe!?”  
Oh great,Gabe thought.Now Balthazar has to get involved.  
“Would everybody PLEASE just calm down!?”Gabriel yelled turning to them.  
“If all of you just SHUT UP and SIT BACK DOWN,I’ll tell you everything I know.”  
The trio did as they were told.Bathazar was checking his hearing,Michael kept his hand on his forehead and Anna was already in tears.  
“Okay,here goes!”Gabriel took a deep breath and started.  
“I found out a day ago,he didn’t wouldn’t tell me why,so when I said I was going to tell you guys,he begged me not to say a word and swore he wouldn’t do it anymore,but a couple of hours ago I saw that wasn’t the case,so I didn’t a baaaaaaaad thing.”  
Michael looked up at him with a worried expression. “Jesus Christ,what did you do!?”  
“Oh I called Dean,who came over a bit before that.And we were in Castiel’s bathroom,and then Dean came and I panicked on the inside because I knew I shouldn’t have called him and then I ended up being the digest asshole in the world by telling h-”  
“Gabriel.”Balthazar stopped him.”First of,you sorta panicking right now,take a breath!And second,Anna,sweetie,get yourself together.”  
His words made her cry even harder.  
“Okay..I’m okay!”Gabriel insisted.”So then he showed Dean,and the guy was lost,like in that moment the cocky-self absorbed Dean Winchester looked completely lost.And then Cas tried to lie his way out of it,which failed,and that’s it.”  
“Hooo!”He breathed out.”That was a mouthful.”  
“Where is he now!?I need to talk to him!”Anna said and rushed for the staircase.  
Gabriel quickly grabbed her hand a pulled her back.  
“Gabe,where is he?”She asked calmly.  
“Sleeping.”Gabriel said casually.”Or dead.”  
“What!?”All three of them yelled out and started at Gabe,giving him mixed expression on their faces.  
“Oh the last a saw he was lying on the bed with Dean,and then I left and I haven’t heard a word from either of them.,so I’m thinking,”He crossed his arms.”Wither they fell asleep or killed eachother!”  
“You are really messed up!”Balthazar said and gave him a disgusted look.  
“Well it can’t hurt to check.”Gabe muttered thoughtfully.  
The four of them slowly made their way up the stairs as quiet as possible.They were near the bedroom and stood in front of the door Gabriel closed when he left.  
“Alright,rock,paper,scissors to see who opens the door!”Gabriel suggested.  
“Rock,pap-”  
“Idiots.”Michael interrupted them and grabbed the door handle.  
He opened it as slow as possible and just enough for hit o sneak a peek.  
“Any blood on the walls!?”Gabriel asked,looking actually concerned.  
Michael turned to him and gave him a ‘are you kidding me!?’ look.  
“Come see the massacre for yourselves.”He smiled relieved.  
He opened the door a bit more so all of them could see.  
Anna let out a cute ‘aww’ and the three boys just looked at her with their ‘sibling judging‘ faces.  
“How long have they been sleeping?”Balthazar asked.  
“I don’t know..Probably fell asleep a little after I left.”Gabe answered stroking his fingers threw his hair.  
Anna just stood still for a moment and then stormed in the room.She opened the closet doors wide and grabbed a blanked spreading it and carefully placing it over the two.  
“Do they want to get a cold?”She whispered.  
“Nice one aunt Louise.”Gabriel chuckled and the rest just looked at him.  
“What?”Michael asked,having no clue what he was talking about.  
“Forget it!”Gabriel brushed it off.  
They slowly made their way out of the room,leaving Cas and Dean still looking more relaxed and comfortable then they expected.


	4. Messed up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So basically I posted this one before and realized I skipped a chapter so I'm posting it again and I switched the previos one with the right one if you get what I'm saying!

When Cas opened his eyes he was in a quite different position then the one he remembered going to sleep In.  
He only remembered lying next to Dean and slowly falling asleep.But now,his head was on Deans shoulder,his arm around his wait and their legs were curled together.  
He sat up on the bed and noticed another thing that wasn’t there before.A blue blanket.  
The memory of yesterday played threw his head.  
From having a fun day with Gabe,to Dean finding out,to lying down next to Dean,to falling asleep.  
Everything rushed threw and in a flash,he remembered everything.  
The next thing he saw was his best friend slowly opening his eyes.  
“Fucking hell I fell asleep!”He mumbled,half of him still somewhere in dream land.  
“Yeah,you did.”Castiel said,giving him a small smile.  
“So when did you wake up?”Dean brought half of his body up,placing his face only a few inches away from Castiel’s.  
“N..Not long..ago..”Castiel held his breath for a moment.Dean was so close to him.And now for the first time in a while,he noticed how green Dean’s eyes actually were.  
Parts of them were going hazel,but parts were just beautifully green.  
“Hey Dean..”he finally spoke and broke the tension.”What’s the name of that song that played at Jo’s birthday party? You know,when she blew out her candles?”  
Dean stared in confusion,trying to remember.  
“Wishing on a star,why does it even matter?”  
“I had a dream that I was singing it and I forgot the words.”He looked away for a moment and mumbled some words Dean couldn’t understand.He looked back at him. “Just think of all the moment,that we spent,I-”He cut off.”That’s it,can’t remember the rest.”  
“Just can’t let you go,from me,we were meant,and I didn’t mean to hurt you but I know,in the game of love you rip what you sow.”  
Castiel opened his mouth a little.”How do you even know that?”He smiled widely.  
“Sammy is going threw this confusing Beyonce faze,and he plays her songs like every single day,so I know her songs backwards.”Castiel laughed,and his adorable laugh made Dean chuckle.  
“You should see little Sammy jamming up to ‘The Single Ladies’!The kid gives me a good laugh from time to time.”  
Castiel smiled and looked down.Dean and him never had sleepovers cause Dean said they were for chicks and Castiel agreed.But now he wondered why.They were really nice.  
“So what are we gonna do?”Dean asked making a more serious expression.  
~o~  
“Tu-do-do-do-I’m picking up a box!Tu-do-do-do! And I’ma put my old socks in ittttt!”  
Oh no.Sam thought as he watched his brother pack up clothes and things for winter to put away somewhere.He knew something was important today because whenever Dean did something while singing a song he made up,he was either stressed or really worried.  
“Dean?What’s..up?”Sam asked standing by the door behind him.  
“Cas is getting out weakly therapyyy tooooday,and he’s gonna begging..gonna be going..just twice a weeeeek!”  
He really hit the high note at the end.Sam gave him a little clap and walked away.  
~o~  
“Everyone just act normal!”Dean was instructing pacing left and right in the hallway while Anna,Michael,Gabe and Balthazar just stared at him. “Act like nothing is wrong, because nothing is wrong!Everything is fine!He’s getting better like normal people,he got help that he needed like any normal person would,there isn’t anything wrong with that! So stop acting like it’s weird!Cause it’s not! It isn’t weird.It’s anything but weird!And what’s the opposite of weird?Normal!Normal,normal,normal and that’s just what it is!Normal!So he went to therapy cause he cut the fuck out of himself!That’s what normal people do,right?So we can act normal!Stay cool guys!Stay cool!And remember,act weird-no-normal!I mean not normal but not weird-no.We act weird but not normal!Son of a-“  
“Dean!”Gabe groaned rubbing his forehead.”Calm down!No one’s acting weird!”  
“No one but him..”Balthazar piped up.  
“It’s just Cas!”  
Anna nodded in agreement,tugging of her hat and throwing it at Dean.”It’s been a week Dean!Not a year!”  
The rest of the group nodded.  
“It’s just Cas..just Cas!”He tried calming himself.”The Cas I know!”  
“So this is what you guys have been doing all week?”A soft voice said from the doorway and everyone jumped up and glanced at Cas,who was leaning against a door with a smirk on his face.”Talking behind my back,eh?”  
Dean started at him,not even blinking.He looked so much more calm and relaxed then he ever did before.  
“CASSIE!”The other three brothers shouted and ran to give him a big hug.  
It just left Anna,who walked towards Dean,giving him a light pat on the shoulder and a kind smile.  
She waited for the three to finish chocking the poor kid.  
“Oh Cas!”The opened her arms and wrapped them around Cas.He smiled and hugged her back.  
When she let go,Cas just looked at Dean.  
“You’re back.”Dean said quietly.  
“I’m back.”  
“You’re back!”Dean said this time a lot more cheerful and a lot louder.  
He ran up to him and squeezed his as tight as he could.  
“De…you..choking…meeh..”  
Dean still didn’t let go,and Cas hugged him too.  
“Someone’s happy to see somebody again..”Gabriel said under a light cough.  
When he let go,Dean couldn’t help but glance at the sleeve that covered his arm.  
Why was he wearing long sleeves again?Everyone already knew.  
Dean wondered.  
“So..How are you..um..feeling?”Dean asked,with a pinch of fear in his voice.  
“I’m feeling alright.”Me muttered and the room lapsed into silence.  
Gabe and Balthazar shared a long look and watched the awkward pair at the doorway.  
“Right..”Michael finally said.”Well I’m hungry,is anyone else?”  
A chorus of relieved ‘Yes’s’ followed him out the door.  
Takeout boxes were tossed carelessly all over the Novak’s living-room.  
Dean threw himself on the couch,and watched Castiel’s every move.And Castiel acted like nothing had happened.Like everything was perfectly fine.  
The others seemed to go along with it and Dean just couldn’t understand it.  
Was he honestly the only one who saw the issue!?  
Gabriel saw him,looking straight at Castiel’s hands just waiting for them to twitch,so he could jump and grab him before he did anything stupid.  
So he got up.Gabriel decided to start an intervention.He wasn’t going to say anything,but since Castiel’s fork accidentally fell in his lap and Dean jumped,he knew it had gone to far.  
“Dean,could you help me with something in kitchen?”  
He said casually, reaching for a pile of boxes and giving Dean a sign to take the rest.  
Dean sighed and pulled himself up from the couch, tentatively grabbing a couple of boxes and looking over his shoulder at Cas once more, before following Gabe into the closed off part of the kitchen.  
Gabriel entered the kitchen and threw the boxes he had in the trash bin,turned around and pushed Dean into a chair.  
“What the fuck dude!?”Dean hissed at him looking confused.  
“What’s your problem Mr.Stay-Cool-Guys-Stay-Cool-Act-Normal!?You’re watching him like a ticking time-bomb!”  
“He kind of is.”Dean whispered and Gabe rolled his eyes.  
“He’s just ill!” Gabe exclaimed.  
“Ill?That’s when you have the flu!”  
“Look..we need to be a support system for him!Not treat him like some breakable freak-show!”  
Dean rolled his eyes.  
“Okay what is your issue!?” Gabe let himself get frustrated.  
“My issue!?My issue is that my best friend is turning into a fucking nut-job and I’m the only one apparently seeing why that is bad!”  
Dean said ,probably a lot louder than he should have.  
The next thing that made them both jump was the sound of an opening door.  
“You guys aren’t really being discreet.”  
They both turned and saw Castiel standing by the door.In his eyes all they could see was how broken they were now.  
“Cas..I didn’t mean it like that..I’m sorry!”Dean tried to fix it but he was in way too deep.  
“Really..and how did you mean it?”  
Dean couldn’t even say a word.Why did he have to say it? He wondered not knowing what to do.  
“Cas,I’m-“  
“Save it!”Castiel said and walked out the front door.  
~o~  
He walked threw the streets that now seemed so empty.He used to notice details,notice every single graffiti drawn on freshly painted buildings.Every child walking home with their parents,every homeless person who he would give a coin or two to.But not now.All he saw was shallow darkness taking over the one beloved street he lived in.  
And in his mind,all that played was a constant melody.A track he despised so much.His best friend calling him a nut-job.The track replayed so many times,without noticed,tiny teardrops feel out of his eyes.  
Was that honestly all everyone thought of him now?  
Another thought passing threw his mind was,how when he came back home he could take the razor he kept hidden in his room,and just do it.Just once.  
“Aah!”The word escaped his mouth.  
He looked down.  
“Great..just fucking great!”He muttered as he look at his foot.  
He was so busy thinking about what Dean said,that he didn’t even notice he had stepped on a broken bottle.  
He lumped to the nearest bench and sat down.  
There was a piece of glass stuck in his foot.  
He freaked out a little,let out a few ‘ho’s’ and reached for the glass.  
“What are you doing?”  
A normally pleasant,but this time dreaded voice asked out of nowhere showing up behind him.  
“Sorry,I only answer to fellow nut-jobs.”He said,sounding as calm as he could,even though there was,not a very small,piece of glass in his foot.  
“Look man,I’m really sorry,I don’t kn-What the hell happened!?”  
Dean finally noticed the glass when he was near enough.  
“Don’t worry Dean,I didn’t take glass and stuffed it in my foot.”Castiel answered angrily because he knew that’s what he was thinking.  
Dean looked down,a bit ashamed at himself for saying what he did.  
“Want me to..um..pull it out?”He finally asked quietly and Castiel felt his voice breaking.  
“Sure..I mean I was just about to,you know..no big deal.”Cas pitched his voice a little.Dean smiled because he knew that’s what Cas does when he freaks out.  
Dean pulled out the glass from his foot,as careful as he could.  
Half of the glass was bloody,which made Dean nauseous.He never actually admitted it,but blood made him uncomfortable.That was a secret he swore he would take to the grave and spent his life sucking it up like a ‘real man.’  
“How’s your foot?”  
“Hurts like hell.”Castiel answered,breathing in relief.  
“Are you gonna be able to walk home?”  
“I don’t think so.”  
“Then I guess it’s come to this.”  
“What are yo-”  
He stopped as Dean picked him up and started carrying him down the street.  
If he wasn’t still pissed at Dean,and if he didn’t have a piece of glass pulled out f his foot,it would have been quite romantic.Castiel thought.  
‘Naah.’


	5. The broken wall of shallow pain and secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So..? How do you like it so far,feel free to leave a comment <3

Dean sat on the soft sofa next to Sam.He took the remote and turned on ‘Show Girls’.  
The movie was halfway threw and Dean couldn’t help but ask himself why the hell was he so into it.  
He asked Sam what he thought of the movie so far and the younger boy just said that he liked it because it showed that there is a chance for everyone and it shows why people fail,It’s cause they get power crazy.  
Damn he was smart for a 13 year old.  
He heard his phone ring and Sam complain about how he can’t watch a single movie in peace.  
“Hey Anna,what’s up?”He got up and placed a worried hand over his lips.  
“Wh..wh..at?”His voice broke into a million pieces.  
“I..I’ll..come ..s..soon..”He hung up and sat back on the couch without a word.  
He didn’t even notice it,but he was shaking.That was the last thing he expected to hear.  
“Dean,what’s wrong?”Sam asked sitting next to Dean,who looked horrible on the inside but felt even worse.  
~o~  
Two days earlier  
“Good morning sunshine!”Gabriel entered Castiel’s room,looking as cheerful as ever.  
“Leave me alone..”Castiel covered his head.It wasn’t that he was angry,or sad,no,he was just tired and Gabe was the only one in the entire house who liked to wake up early.  
“You have to get up,you have therapy.And how’s your foot?”  
“Hurts..”Cas mumbled still half asleep.”Can’t you just go?”  
“Nope.”Gabriel smiled and pulled his blanket off of his head which Castiel replied to with a loud hiss.  
“Sorry little bro,time for therapy.Now get up!”  
“Why are you so persistent!?”  
“Because”he tugged of the pillow that Cas was still holding on to.”I promised Mike and Anna that I would make sure you go!”  
“Can’t you just tell them I went?I can pay you!”  
Gabriel rolled his eyes.”Really little bro,bribery?It’s a new low Cas!A new low!”  
“If I get up will you stop talking?”  
Castiel said and Gabe,without the words showed him out.  
~o~  
When he got there he was still tired as hell.  
He got in the office and just stared blankly at the ceiling.  
“Castiel..”The lovely voice of his doctor spoke.  
“Ms.Masters..”He answered like he just couldn’t give a damn about anything.  
She laughed cause that’s what he did every time he came.  
Get it,not wanna talk for a while,spent 20 minutes explaining how he didn’t even have a problem and shouldn’t even be there and the last 15 minutes actually talking about his problems.  
So,Ms.Masters gave him a black notebook,and told him to write down every time in the past when he hurt himself and even now,whenever he would do it,she wanted him to write the date and reason which he didn’t even know was oh so clear.  
She did this so she could find all the problems while he started at the ceiling,examine them and talk to him about it.  
“Castiel,”He finally looked at her.”Did you bring the notebook I gave you?”  
He pulled it out of the backpack he carried with him for some unknown reason.  
She carefully read it,turning from page to page.  
“You do know a lot of your problems would end if you just told him the truth?”  
She said actually catching his attention.  
“I can’t.”He answered like he had no choice.  
“I get it,okay?You’re scared.”She continued.”You’re scared of his reaction,of ruining the friendship you have.But you do know you have to get over it eventually?It’s just going to keep eating you from the inside until one day you just can’t take it anymore and decide to do something stupid.”  
“I know..”He sounded rather ashamed.Head down,God knows what’s it thinking about and hands scratching eachother.  
“You’re a smart kid,but fear ,makes all of us stupid.It’s the main reason for pain and every other problem is just a puppet.”Her phone rang,ending the section.  
“I’ll be seeing you on Wednesday?”  
“Yeep.And can you please just write my excuse for school?”  
“You do know I can’t keep writing them forever,right?”  
“I know.”He smiled.  
“And Cas-”He turned.”If the day you just can’t take it anymore does come,call me before doing anything.”  
After her words he gave a nod and slowly left.  
~o~  
36 hours ago  
It was that time again.  
A typical Friday night.  
Balthazar made his way to the door and as always,to punish him for coming home at 2 AM,Anna locked it.  
She was a horrible person.Oh well,Batlhazar thought “I guess one your coats is accidentally going to be thrown from a window!”He said struggling to somehow open the door,not even bothering to knock simply because he knew no one would open it.  
Michael would be asleep,Anna wouldn’t even bother coming down,Gabe would just make fun of him for half an hour before unlocking it and it was not worth Gabriel’s ‘knock,knock’,or why did Balthazar cross the road’jokes.And then there was Cas,the only good sibling who wasn’t home on this one Friday night that Balthazar needed him more than ever and had a key.  
He was probably at Dean’s and would sleep over or come home really late because every Friday they had movie marathons that went on far too long so Dean,even though he made it clear that sleepovers were for chicks,and he made it clear one too many times,would ask Cas to sleep over anyway.  
He wondered why Anna started punishing him but remembered that he brought home a goose he bought once when he went to a party and got a little too drunk.  
This time he wasn’t and he noticed Anna’s mistake.  
She left the window open.It wasn’t low so he had to have a jump start and a prayer not break anything.  
He took a few steps backwards,ran to the window and jumped.  
It was a bit of a blur,but the next thing he remembered was lying on the ground with a knocked-over coffee table.  
Balthazar knew everyone in the house heard the crash and they just didn’t care enough to come down.  
He picked up the coffee table and placed back by the window.Then he picked up the fallen items.  
For a moment he stood completely still and afraid to move.  
No matter how drunk he was a minute ago,if he even was,he was now sober and fells awful thanks to a little broken figure of an angel that Castiel got from their mom.  
He loved that little angel probably more than half of his siblings.  
He picked up the broken pieces,praying he could glue them up and placed them on a black notebook he hadn’t really noticed before.  
The question of what it was quickly appeared In his mind,and he carefully moved the broken angel and opened the notebook.  
He couldn’t believe what he was reading.  
It was Castiel’s journal.  
“March 25 2012 was the first time I had ever cut myself,and the moment I started I had a feeling it was a-”  
He slammed the notebook shut.  
“I can’t do it!I can’t!”He stood up.”I Castiel’s privacy,and I won-”  
He kept looking at it.It was mocking him.Just silently testing him.  
But he couldn’t hold it in.He opened the notebook,and started reading.He felt guilty as hell but he’s already started,so by some logic he made up in the very moment,what difference would it make.  
His eyes winced open as he found out Castiel’s second secret.  
The big secret.The secret even bigger than the first one.  
He had just found out the reason behind everything and he knew he was screwed because he didn’t know how he was going to look Castiel in the yes after reading his journal.  
So he did what he thought any person would do.  
Boy,was he wrong.  
~o~  
24 hours ago  
Castiel came home when the sun was already up.  
Birds were singing their beautiful song to celebrate the fact that some of them are home now that spring has walked into their town one more.  
People rushed to work,completely ignoring the fact that the day was so sunny and beautiful.  
Castiel noticed it all.The first thing he noticed was that there were no clouds the sky.  
After that he noticed that the neighbor’s got didn’t bark at him and that might have been the first time that genuinely felt happy.It was a first time in a long while.  
He was ready to spend the day drawing because that was an old and almost forgotten hobby.  
Cas saw his house down the street,and cheerfully made his way to it.The door was unlocked meaning some of his sibling have already gone to spend their day however they wanted.  
The first thing he noticed when he got inside was the banged up coffee table by the window.He got near to try and figure out what had happened.  
He looked at the tiny angel on the table and immediately saw that something was wrong with it.It had crack all over.  
Castiel picked up the angel in his hand and went over it with his fingers.  
Someone broke it.He felt sadness take over,but he felt better knowing that the person who broke it atleast had the heart to glue it back together instead of throwing it in the trash.  
He put it back and looked over seeing a vase with flowers he had never seen before.  
They were white lilies.  
He loved that flower because he said they looked ‘pure’.  
Some certainly felt bad.  
Castiel picked up the black notebook Ms.Masters gave him that was by surprise still untouched and took it to his room to write an entry that he had forgotten.  
Castiel always was an overachiever,so when she told him to write every time he did it,he took it seriously.  
When Cas entered his room he sat on the chair by his desk,grabbed a pen and opened his notebook.  
When he got to the last page he had written something on he couldn’t believe it.  
His forehead creased as he saw the unfamiliar handwriting and different color pen.  
Under his last entry,an intruder wrote something.His eyes widened as he read the intruders handwritten message.  
Cas,I am so sorry!I don’t know if you’ll ever forgive me but I read it.All of it.  
Please meet me at the park across the street of that bakery you love having breakfast in so much,tomorrow at 10 am cause you know I’m out of town today,and the house isn’t really private,is it?  
Again,so sorry for this!We really need to talk.  
-Balthazar  
His breath caught in his throat as he thought of his brother, reading over the pages he’d filled ,recalling some of his darkest secrets.  
He could only think about Balthazar’s thoughts as he read it.  
In that moment the walls felt like they were closing in.It felt like any move would bring them closer together until they finally crushed him.  
Castiel felt like the biggest idiot in the world for leaving his notebook on the coffee table.He couldn’t help but repeatedly ask himself why.  
Balthazar knew he was in love with Dean.  
His hear was thumping in his ears.  
“No..”He said in despair.  
He just started at the notebook not even blinking.  
“He can’t know!”He felt his voice,slowly breaking in panic.  
He tried to breathe in but something kept stopping him.Unable to move,he started choking.  
After a couple of seconds he finally breathed.Teary eyes hid from the world in buried in his hands.  
“No,no,no,no,no,no,no,no,no!”He was having a panic attack and didn’t know how to stop it.The only thing he knew how to do was lie on the bed and not move.He couldn’t stay still because he felt his body shaking.

And it started like such a good day,but we all know,good things never last.


	6. Even the strongest fall

Painful Secrets:Chapter 5

2 hours earlier  
After getting less than an hour of sleep,Castiel woke up.  
He spent the entire night thinking about what to do,and finally had a plan.It was risky though,and he knew it.  
Cas thought long and hard about weather or not to do what he had imagined,because he knew if he did what he wanted to,he could just look at himself in the mirror and without hesitation say ‘You’ve hit rock bottom’ which would be sadly true.  
He kept thinking about it for ours,and still unsure he fell asleep.  
But,when he opened his eyes,without a moment of hesitation ,he got up and made his way to the bathroom,taking an old plastic bag.  
Now,he was going to fulfill the first faze of his sick plan,after which there would be no going back.  
Castiel opened the medicine cabinet,one by one pouring pills from bottles whose use he didn’t even know into the plastic bag.  
When he was finished he tied a knot at the end so the pills would be secure.  
~o~  
30 minutes earlier  
Castiel made his way to the park trying desperately to calm himself as much as he could and to convince himself that he was doing the right thing.  
When he got there it was 10.He saw his brother sitting on a bench.  
He was looking into the distance without even noticing Castiel.  
Dark circles under his eyes gave away a sleepless night.His hair,for the first time ever,wasn’t combed and his clothes looked worn for quite a while.  
“You look horrible!”Castiel finally gave away his presence.  
“Didn’t sleep at all..”He said as he looked at Castiel who was almost out of nowhere now standing in front of him.”You look surprisingly happy?”  
“I feel surprisingly happy.”Castiel faked a smile to cover up the obvious lie.  
He sat next to Balthazar and rested his hands on his chin.  
They both looked at eachother but neither of them many any attempt to start us the conversation until finally,Balthazar couldn’t hold it in anymore.  
“I’m sorry for reading it..”He said avoiding eye contact with his brother.  
“You said that already..”Castiel said calmly.  
“Look-“Balthazar started again,this time actually looking at Cas.”I didn’t know what it was at first but then I started reading it and realized.I closed it but I thought I really wanted to know..After finishing I realized..I didn’t.”  
Balthazar looked down once more in pure shame.  
Castiel was about to say something but Balthazar interrupted him.  
”So,I’ve read it and now it’s all I can think about,and little brother,I’m sorry but I think you should tell him.”  
Castiel leaned back on the bench and started to laugh.  
“May I know what’s so funny?”  
Balthazar asked in confusion.  
“After that,I’m supposed to be the mental one?”  
“Cas..I’m just saying there is a big fat chance he might feel the same way..”  
He started laughing even harder,but it was as clear as day it was a forced laugh.  
“I am not joking!”  
His smile disappeared for a moment,actually believing in Balthazar’s words.But then he got his brain back on track and knew he couldn’t back out of his plan now and he just had to stick to it.  
“Dean doesn’t feel the same way about me.”Cas explained,running his fingers threw his hair.It almost sounded like a proven fact.  
“I’m in love with him,but he will never ever know that.”  
Balthazar shook his head.  
”Well I think he should!I am telling you Cassie,there is something there.You two have always and I do mean always been close,too close.Why do you think everyone jokes about you two already being secretly married?”  
“He looks at me like a brother.”He stated ,mind drifting back to all the moment he had with Dean,making his eyes blink faster.  
“That’s the only way he’ll ever look at me.That’s the way I want him to think I look at him.Like a brother. ”  
Balthazar started blankly at Cas,looking defeated.  
He kept wondering why Castiel wouldn’t just take a chance on something that would most likely end up good.  
He wondered why he would keep it inside of him,and allow it to slowly devour him in all the worst ways,than just say it out loud.  
Emotions mixed inside his head.First he felt quilt.  
After that a cloud of sadness appeared in his brain,they waited for the feeling of defeat and helplessness to drop by,so they could all mix into something too horrible for Balthazar to just suck up and walk away.  
His voice was broken.  
“It’s killing you!”He said in despair trying to somehow get threw to Cas.  
But with no success.  
Castiel just shook his head.  
“You just don’t get it,do you!?”  
Castiel found their conversation completely different than Balthazar.  
He kept asking himself,what kind of sick game was his brother playing.  
He wanted to ask Balthazar if he honestly thought that he could just chat him up,and make him believe Dean liked him,and after that everything would be bubblegum and rainbows again.  
“I won’t tell Dean and you won’t tell Dean.We are going to forget this conversation and you are going to forget ever even seeing my notebook.”  
Balthazar couldn’t believe how stubborn Castiel was being.  
“But C-”Balthazar started but was interrupted by Castiel’s harsh words.  
“You still don’t understand?”He laughed.”Dean will never find out because I won’t stick around for him to find out.”  
Balthazar’s eyes widened,and he shook his head in disbelieve.  
“Are you saying you’d rather kill yourself than tell Dean?”  
“We’re finally on the same page.”Castiel smirked.He was sure his plan was going just how he had imagined it.He was sure Balthazar was going to give in to his demands.  
“So,now that we understand eachother,you won’t tell anyone right?”  
Balthazar still looked at him in pure shock,not being able to believe the words that just came out of his brother’s mouth.  
Was he that desperate?  
Would he really do it?  
How long did he think about this?  
All good questions going threw Balthazar’s mind at the moment stopping him from answering.  
It looked like he was disgusted by the very thought that Castiel would use threats like those.  
“How could you even say that?Threatening someone like that isn’t going to get you what you want in life!”  
“It’s not a threat.It’s a fact.”Castiel said sounding a bit less calm but still holding his ground.  
“You’re messed up in more ways than I thought!”  
“And you”Castiel pointed to him.”Aren’t going to say a word,right?”  
Without a yes or no,Balthazar just mumbled “Anna”got up and ran off.  
Castiel was left on the bench,mouth wide open.He expected anything but that.  
And now,he knew his faith in both directions.  
1.He gives up his plan.Balthazar goes and tells Anna,she tells Michael,Gabriel somehow gets involved,then all four of them go to Dean and tell him,he looks at Castiel with disgust,stops talking to him,and Castiel ends up drowning his sorrow in his Cuts until they eventually kill him.  
That was the first scenario that went threw his head.  
The second one,it seemed so simple.  
2.Stick with the plan.  
Of course he chose the second one.It was so simple but not easy.  
Taking the same backpack which he carried around he opened it and took out the plastic bag full of pills.  
He took a bottle of water out as well.  
He placed the items next to him and took in a deep breath.  
“You can do it.”He said to himself quietly,trying not so sound scared.  
“Do you want to live the first life,and end up dead anyway?”  
He asked himself before shaking his head.  
He carefully opened the plastic bag and started swallowing pills.One by one.  
After a moment he remembered he had only about twenty minutes to get the job done so he stuffed his hand into the bag and grabbed as many pills as he could,stuffing them in his mouth all at once.  
Water washed them down his throat and he realized there were no more pills left.  
Castiel took,what he thought would be the last views of life,and enjoyed looking at the tiny birds jumping around the park in search of kind strangers who would give them a couple of pieces of popcorn.  
In that moment as he started noticing his vision was fading he wondered if it could have all ended up differently.  
We wondered what mistakes he could have fixed.  
But there was one leading up to the rest,leading up to this.  
Falling in love with Dean.  
Why did it have to happen? If he didn’t he would still be living life the way he was used to it.  
For a moment he wondered what’s the point of thinking about it,since it can’t be fixed.  
Everything was blurry and he felt his body getting more and more relaxed.  
His hands went numb,his feat carelessly following.  
He was slowly fading and he knew it.  
~o~  
Meanwhile over at the house,Anna and Gabe were watching ‘TLC’not even noticing something was wrong.  
They both felt something,like a small amount of pain in their chests but didn’t discus it,blaming it on the ‘crappy weather.’  
In a moment Anna got up and slowly walked upstairs wanting to get some aspirin.  
She got to the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet.  
Her hand was over her mouth and she took as step back.  
“Gabriel,is this some sick joke of yours!?”She yelled,trying to believe it was actually Gabriel who took all the pills,not the person she thought did,but prayed for a way that he didn’t.  
“What are you tal-”Gabriel couldn’t believe it either when he got upstairs.  
He was ready to give her his ‘It’s always Gabriel,isn’t it!?’speech,but now he was at a loss for words.  
“You don’t think..”He started again,not having the heart to actually say it.  
“I’m afraid so..”She said.Both of them stood still for a moment.  
“Shit!”She yelled and before they knew it,they were running out of the house,desperately trying to put on their shoes while running.  
Anna didn’t even notice she almost fell while putting on her red Dr.Martin shoes.  
She just didn’t stop.  
They were half way down the street when they saw Balthazar running towards them looking pale and scared.  
“Where are you two going?!”He asked with panic in his voice.  
“It’s Cas,he took the pills from the medicine cabinet!”  
“No Cas..”  
It was all he could say before revealing his location and running with them as fast as he could.  
When they made their way to the park they saw Castiel still on the same bench,eyes closed.  
The next thing everyone in the park heard were Anna’s screams.


	7. The road to hell is paved with good intentions

“It was easy enough to kill yourself in a fit of despair. It was easy enough to play the martyr. It was harder to do nothing. To endure your life. To wait.”  
― Erica Jong, Fear of Flying

When Castiel felt that he was being pulled towards consciousness,he desperately tried remaining in the darkness of his head.  
He guessed what had happened but tried not to believe that he fucked up the one and only thing he wasn’t suppose to fuck up.  
The only thing he was afraid of happening just happened.  
He knew the risks,but thought there would be no way he would be saved.He was sure that the chances of him actually staying alive were minimal,and now,he was more tangled in his web of lies than ever.  
He knew his family would try to untangle it,and that he would have a hell of a lot explaining to do.  
His mind drifted closer to the light and soft voices all around him ,made his left eye betray him by opening up.  
The light quickly hit it which made him close it once more,but only for a couple of moments before opening both eyes wide.  
He breathed in loudly,as if he was at a loss for air.  
Castiel blinked several times,examining the overly white room.  
Is this heaven?  
That was the first time he asked himself,but laughed because after what he tried to do,there was no way he would be going anywhere near that place,which left one alternative.  
Hospital.  
He blinked tiredly.His limbs felt heave and his throat sore.  
He tried to slowly move up,and grasp out of the mound of uncomfortable blankets.He felt a pinch in his arm,and when he turned,Castiel saw an IV tube.  
He signed heavily.Now he was trapped here.  
In a hospital room,awaiting a boatload of questions he knew were coming his way,and having a needle in his vein was more than a bit uncomfortable.  
Looking at the door,Castiel saw to figures heading towards it.  
First came in the doctor,who was explaining something but stopped as soon as he saw the boy was awake.  
Behind him was non other than Anna.  
She looked like a mess.  
Her cheeks were still red and her eyes gave away nothing but pure sadness.  
Her hair was a mess,and her clothes looked slept in.  
Her hand was now over her mouth and she started crying again.  
Castiel expected her to start screaming ‘why’ and instantly demand answers,or just not talk to him.But no.She rushed to his side and hugged his as tight as she could.  
Castiel hugged her back,lifeless.He couldn’t even blink.He wondered what kind of a monster you have to be to do this to your own sister.Make her suffer that much and turn her into a mess.  
“Cas..”She whispered choking on her own words as she slowly released him from the hug and ran her fingers over his cheek with teary eyes.”I love you so much.”  
The words made him break.  
He truly felt like a monster now more than ever.His sister was shattered,God knows about the rest of his family,who might never trust him again,all thanks to him and his rash decision.  
Guilt slowly consumed him,and the only world he could say,the only words burning him like a wild flame,were”I’m so sorry Anna!”  
He hugged her again and heard his sister whisper”It’s ok Cas..It’s ok..”She swallowed,clearing her throat.  
“You must be starving,want some soup?”She cleaned away her tears.”The doctor says that’s all you can have for now.”  
“Sure,thank you.”She smiled at him,and that was the saddest smile Castiel had ever seen.  
As soon as she left,another figure approached the door.  
Coffee in one hand,and phone in the other,hair even worse than Anna’s and eyes so tired,they were almost falling asleep and the very moment.They rested on Castiel,who was now looking anywhere but at them.  
“Dean..”Castiel said quietly,biting his lip.  
Before he could say anything else,Dean just rushed out of the room and disappeared into the hallway.  
~o~  
Castiel woke up again and few hours later.This time on his own account.  
He was the moonlight creeping threw the window of the dark hospital room,and a small light in the corner of it.  
It was a phone.  
He looked and saw that it was Dean,sitting in an uncomfortable hospital chair.  
He looked half asleep,and with the light from his phone making his face visible,Cas could make out shadows underneath his eyes.  
Dean glanced at him and Castiel closed his eyes shut,praying Dean hadn’t noticed he was awake.  
Castiel turned around,trying to seem like he was moving in his sleep and after a moment of silence,right when he was staring to feel relief,Dean’s voice cut him off.  
“Cut the crap I know you’re awake.”  
Dean’s voice sounded rough,angry,but most of all,tired.  
He looked as shattered as Anna did.  
Castiel remained calm,thinking that if he didn’t move,or blink,or breathe,Dean would just avoid talking to him,which as much as it was eating him up,seemed easier.  
His plan didn’t work.He felt Dean sit next to him,resting his hand on his back.  
“Dean..”Castiel tried saying something,to somehow get the conversation going like nothing happened.  
“You should be sleeping.”  
“I know..what are you doing here after visiting hours anyway?”Castiel finally had something to ask Dean which didn’t have anything to do with ‘I did it because..’or ‘it was a mistake..’  
“I may or may not have sneaked in..”Dean said,sound a little less tired.  
“Oh..that sounds like you.”  
“It does,but you know,there are a lot of things that sound like you,but you know what doesn’t?Anna calling me and telling me that you tried to kill yourself.Now that was something I never thought you would do.”  
And there it was,the beginning of the end.  
“Listen Dean..”Castiel turned to him.”If you want to yell at me,do it.If you want to hit me,do it.Just don’t end this conversation with telling me you’re not mad or anything cause I know you are,I would be too.  
“Alright then..”Dean said casually and took the pillow from Castiel,hitting his repeatedly.  
It didn’t hurt,and Castiel knew it was just Dean,wanting to get anger out of his so bad,but not wanting to hurt Cas.  
He knew he deserved every hit he got.  
When Dean stopped,he only buried his face in the same pillow.  
“You selfish son of a bitch!”Dean said,not even wanting to look at Castiel.  
“I know..”Castiel admitted.  
“What did I tell you!?Every time you have a problem,even the smallest one you tell me!Especially something so big it makes you want to end your own life!I’m your best friend!You tell me,and instead of doing something stupid,you tell me and we try to fix it together like we always do!”  
Castiel had no words to say.  
Dean didn’t even know that the last person he wanted to share his trouble with was actually him.  
So he just turned to him and hugged him.  
Dean hugged him back and breathed trying to calm himself.  
“I’m sorry..”  
“Don’t apologize Dean!”  
Castiel said,and they stayed in the darkness of the hospital room.  
~o~  
A nurse,with a bright smile on her face,lest a tray with breakfast next to Castiel’s bed.  
“Just so you know,they were serving eggs that just looked and smelled wrong today,so I slipped you a couple of muffins instead.”The pat his hair,and winked at Gabe before leaving the room.  
Truth be told,she was gorgeous.Long blonde hair in a braid,pretty green eyes,really fit.She didn’t look like your typical nurse,but come one,while Cas was on suicide watch Gabe was picking up chicks.  
“I’m not hungry..”Castiel tried.He just wasn’t in the mood to eat.  
“You don’t eat-you don’t go home.”Michael said directly.  
The whole thing was hard for him too,but he was the rock of the family,atleast that’s what they all expected him to be.No one asked him if he was ok,no,they just came to him and whined on and on hoe hard this is,but not even wondering how he felt.  
“Alright…”Castiel sighed in defeat and grabbed the muffin.  
Michael rolled his eyes when Castiel took the smallest bite of the muffin he possibly could.  
“Eat!”He desperately tried not to raise his voice.He was just so tired.  
None of them knew that Michael had spent most of his night dealing with Balthazar who just kept blaming himself.  
And now,while they were all at the hospital,Balthazar was sitting in the livingroom,still zoned out,blankly staring at the TV.  
Castiel took a big bite of the muffin and coughed loudly.  
“Oh come on!It can’t be that bad!Stop being such a brat Cas!”Gabe said,trying to high-five Michael,who just ignored him,rolling his eyes again.  
“It’s not the muffin,my throat just hurts really bad.”  
Castiel’s thoughts went to Balthazar for some reason.  
He looked like he didn’t mind that he wasn’t with them.Like he should know that it’s his fault,and he shouldn’t even try to see Castiel.  
But no.  
Castiel wasn’t that immature.As much as it looked like it,Cas knew it was stupid.He knew he went too far and that it wasn’t Balthazar’s fault.  
But he just wondered who he had told.  
He thought it was Gabe at first,but remembered that his brother can’t keep his mouth shut for long.  
After he thought of Anna,but again,he remembered that she would just freak out,and try to fix it in her own way which would just end up being an even bigger disaster than it already was.So that left Michael.And it was logical.He was the most mature one.Everyone would go to him when they had a problem.  
He was relieved a bit because Michael knew how to keep a secret.  
Gabriel’s phone rand and he left the room,leaving the two of them.  
“So..”Michael started,holding his breath,hoping Castiel would continue because he had no idea how to actually start the talk that couldn’t be avoided.  
Castiel gave no effort in trying to continue so Michael had to.  
“Listen Cas..I don’t know if you know this,but Balthazar told me what happened.”  
“I am aware.”  
“So,um..You know..I won’t tell him.But I th-”  
“Think you should?”Castiel finished the predictable sentence.  
He smiled and looked at Michael,eyes full of despair and sadness.  
“Listen Michael,Balthazar already gave me the ‘it’s just eating you up’ speech s you can save your breath.”  
Michael closed his eyes and breathed in.It was just too much.Everything he did started getting harder.  
“Alright.”He gave up.”You do what you will.Just know that being that desperate to keep your secret it just disgusting.You were ready to make the life of your family and everyone who loves you hell,just so you are able to keep running from something that you know will eventually catch up with you!It’s wrong Castiel.It’s just wrong.”Michael got up and left.  
Castiel remained on the hospital bed,not able to move.  
The funniest thing was,he knew Michael was right.He knew it would eventually catch up to him,but for some reason he decided to keep running,again,and again,and again..


	8. Reality bites me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you thought ♥

Another day has passed slower than any other.

Visitors came and went but Castiel was still tied to the hospital bed, fulfilling his day by sleeping,reading and eating food he wouldn’t feed his dog with, if he had one.

But,he was never lonely.Someone was always sitting on a chair near his bed,and to his surprise the one who was there the most wasn’t anyone from his family,no,it was Dean.

He seemed clueless unlike his siblings,and he never once asked why,probably because he knew Castiel would come up with some excuse as to why he can’t talk about it.

So,Dean just sat there,talked to the boy.Sometimes they would play cards,or watch something on the lap-top Dean would sneak in because the doctor said they weren’t allowed.

But it’s been days and they both missed the movie marathons they would have all the time.

So like many times before,Dean was making his way to Castiel’s bed,placing himself next to him and turning on his lap top.

Castiel,like always,refused to watch a horror movie,but Dean was really in the mood to watch Insidious,and hopelessly tried to convince Castiel that it was a lovely movie about a boy who falls into a coma and the life of his family,who had to move because they were poor,and had troubles which the boy got caught up with when he woke.

It was a load of bullshit and Castiel knew it but he agreed.

Halfway into the movie,when the famous ‘red face’from the trailer showed up,Castiel grabbed Dean’s arm as hard as he could,and shifted a couple of times.

Dean was equally as scared but tried to remain the macho guy he was known to be.When it ended Castiel threw his head on his pillow and covered his eyes.

“Oh come on!”Dean chuckled.”It wasn’t that scary!”

“Yeah right!I’m gonna have trouble sleeping!”

After that they both laughed,played a game of Uno and Castiel was,forgetting that he was at a hospital,having a pretty good time.

~o~

It’s been five ours since they watched the movie and Dean was still there.

Castiel was now asleep,but Dean didn’t move.He just watched his best friend sleep peacefully,but couldn’t help but giggle from time to time because he remembered that watching people sleep was Castiel’s thing.

Whenever he would sleep over at Dean’s he would wake up first,and could watch Dean sleep for hours because he thought it was rude to wake him.

The room went silent from the moment Dean went back from his walk down memory lane.

But like everything else,the silence was broken by Michael entering the room.

“Dean..I need to talk to you,could you step outside?”Michael seemed worried and his voice sounded panicked which was unusual for him.

Dean got up and tip-toed out of the room,making his way to the half empty hallway.

“What’s up?”He asked a little louder after closing the door behind him.

“I’ve been thinking abut this all night..and I..”He breathed in and continued.

“If I told you,that I knew,why Cas did what he did,would you want me to tell you?”

He asked leaving Dean in utter confusion.

“Wait..you know?”

“Yes I know!And can’t helping feeling guilty for not seeing it before.”

“Listen,what are you ta-”

Dean stopped and let what he had just heard go to his brain before speaking again.

”You know what?If you think you can make him tell me,sorry,us on his own,than don’t tell me a word,but if you’re sure that you can’t get anything out of him,I’m all ears.”

“Why would you think I could do that?”

Michael started at him.Watching the emotions on Dean’s face change.

Pain,sadness,confusion..and many more crossed over Dean’s face in less than a minute,and they just stood there until Dean finally spoke.

“You’re his older brother,and unlike his other siblings you can actually listen to him,and at least pretend to stay cool no matter what he says.I would know,Sammy always comes to me when he has a problem and I try to act like I can fix anything he tells me.”

Michael nodded.

At that moment the small amount of respect he had for Dean grew by a mile.

This was a side of him Michael never knew existed.

He thought Dean was just a dumb jock,and had no idea how could Cas even be his friend,but now,he actually got it.

He smiled at the younger boy,who seemed to be calming down,still trying to make his little freak-out unnoticeable.

“I’m sorry Dean.”Michael said and gripped his shoulder.

“For what?”

“For thinking you were a brainless Neanderthal.I can see you’re not,and I have to apologize.”

Dean made a face and frightfully gave a small ‘thanks’.

~o~

“Almost home.”Castiel said to his own reflection while putting on his shirt.

He messed with his hair until he got it the way he liked it.Made sure his shirt was perfect.Every angle the same,and no wrinkles.He almost seemed like himself.Like the old Cas,a couple of years back.Then,he was happy.

Castiel remembered being the good child in the family.Always done what he was told,did great at school,not whine or complain.But now,he was someone else,and he didn’t know if meeting Dean was the best or the worst thing to ever happen to him.

The door opened behind him and got him away from his thought.

It was Dean.

“What are you doing here?”

Castiel asked turning to Dean who had a small comforting smile on his face.

“Anna and Michael are filling up the paperwork and it might take a while,so I thought I could keep you company.”

“You just don’t trust me alone.”Castiel stated because it was a fact they all knew was true.

“You said it,not me.”Dean defended himself,and came closer to Cas.

“You look good.”He said looking at him up and down.

“Thanks..”Castiel felt a little tense but kept it to himself.

After no more words were said,Dean came to Castiel and hugged him.

Castiel was confused but after he got the air back into his brain and realized what was happening,he hugged him back.

“You’ll get better,I know you will.”Dean said,comforting the situation,sounding a bit like Anna.

Castiel took his hug and words as a ‘you know things wont be the same,even when you get some?’ sign,and just nodded.

Another figure entered the room,and it was someone who Castiel forgot to even think about.

Balthazar.

“Hi Cas.”He said,and Castiel gave Dean a look which told him to leave,which he did.

“Balthazar.”

“Listen,you’re coming home today,and I just thought that it would be better to see you now,so things wouldn’t be this awkward at home.”

“Whatever you have to say,I am not interested.”

Castiel answered harshly,looking away.

“Castiel,I admit I reacted stupidly,but on the other hand so did you!Lets not give the blame to only one person.”

“You’re right,and I know it,but..you pushed me to it!”

“You’re panicking again,like you did at the park.”

Balthazar informed him,and it was only then when Castiel noticed his panicked breathing.

He calmed down and turned back to him.

“Alright,so I guess I did go a little too far.” He admitted looking down,remembering every second of their talk and swallowing the pills.

“Cassie,I was wrong and so were you,I just wanted to tell you that I’m sorry and I wouldn’t blame you if you hated me forever.”

He waited for Castiel to say something but no words came out of him mouth.

“That’s all I guess..”He turned and went towards the door.

“I don’t hate you.”Castiel said quietly,almost like he didn’t want Balthazar to hear it.

“What?”

“I don’t particularly like you now either,but I don’t hate you.”

Castiel said it and Balthazar gave a look of relief.

“Alright,Anna and Michael are almost done.Let’s get you home,shall we?”

Castiel smiled,this time for real,and left the room he dreaded with his brother.

When they walked out of the room,Dean and Gabriel waited for them.

“So baby bro,how does it feel almost being back home?”

“Strange.”

Castiel added,as they made their way out of the hospital,desperately trying to forget they were ever here.

The Novak’s didn’t always get along,but when it came to their own,they would always pull threw,they would always be there for eachother.

Sorry this one is a tad shorter,but I’m sick and wanted to give you guys something.Hope you liked it,feedback feeds my soul :) And btw if you read this,like it,I want to see how many people read it :) As


	9. Dean Winchester-Not a neanderthal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Notes at the end (*^_^*)

Castiel was given exactly 10 days to pull himself back together before going back to school.  
Most of the first 5 days were spent in therapy,while he pretty much lied threw his teeth to Dr.Masters who seemed to not be buying anything but just went along with it.  
Castiel was happy to be anywhere but home.  
To be at peace with his brain instead of being swooped by questions about his day to the smallest detail.  
He left the office this time,half an hour earlier and before heading home,stopped for ice-cream.  
When he got there he noticed that for the first time in a long while his house was empty.He only dreamed of this silence in the past 5 days,and now he finally had it.He sat on the breakfast bar and finished his ice-cream and just when he thought he was going to get some ‘Cas time’ Anna was back.  
“Great.”He murmured and hoped if he stood still Anna would just walk past him to her room and he would remain in the glorious silence he desired.  
But no,Anna saw him  
“You’re not supposed to be home yet..”  
Anna said suspiciously making her way towards him.  
“Are you ok?”  
He looked at her with a disappointed look on his face.  
“Seriously?”He raised an eyebrow.”Where is everyone else?”  
“Mike,work,Gabe,school,and Balthazar..Truth be told I have no idea.He said he wasn’t ‘in the mood’ for school,and no matter what I said he would still skip.”  
Little did they know that Balthazar was with the last person they expected him to be with.  
~o~

“So,have you thought about what you’re going to do?”Balthazar asked as his company sat on the chair of the classy Café they were in.  
“Excuse me?”He asked,taking a long sip of beer.  
“Dean..You know I’m well informed right?And you can’t keep this ‘I’m in luv with Lisa’crap you’ve been up to.”  
Dean stared at him and remembered the last time they were here.  
He had too many drinks,Balthazar laughed at him and Dean ended up spilling his guts to him.And Balthazar kept his mouth shut.  
No one in the Novak family even knew they were friends because after that night in which Dean told Balthazar his dark secrets,he felt a bit too awkward to keep hanging out with the guy.And he missed it.  
Balthazar was god company. So now,after every disaster that happened,here they were again,sitting at the same table of their favorite hangout.  
“So,what do you suppose I do?”  
“Be a man for Christ’s sake! ”Balthazar said,a bit angry,drinking his martini.  
“Alright..damn it.I’m A first class chick-flick.”  
“Seriously..I mean dating Lisa,it’s like the girl in high school that has a crush on a guy but dates someone else so he doesn’t figure it out.It’s pathetic!”Balthazar laughed to himself.”Both of you are pathetic.”  
Dean gave him an odd look.Both of them?  
“Both of us?”  
In that moment he saw a panicked look on Balthazar’s face.The boy took another sip which took a while to finish.His eyes looking in all directions except in Dean’s.  
“What?”He asked obviously trying to kneel out of the hole he dug for himself.  
“You just said that both of us are pathetic,why both of us?”  
“Well..um..erm..”  
In that moment,like a ray or light,a waitress showed up.With her long,silky chocolate colored hair,light brown eyes and a flirtatious look on her face,she came to their table,as a lot of waitresses tended to,even when they weren’t working.  
“Can I get you boys anything else?”  
“No thanks Eve.”  
Balthazar answered,only to realize that he should have started a conversation with her or something,which would lead to an excuse on why he had to leave,and Dean would just forget about it.  
“Alright,if you need anything,call me.”She winked at Dean.”And I do mean anything.”  
She walked away and Balthazar was back to square one,but he started seeing a way out and grabbed it.  
“Now,you mind telling me?”  
“Dean,I am really curious why you and Cassie have to examine every single word I say?”  
Hehe,that’s right,play that card! Balthazar thought and continued.  
“Every time I say something to either of you,out of some random reason,not really f any importance,you have to ask why I said it.Damn it Dean! You say meaningless crap everyday and I never ask why.”  
Dean pressed his back against the chair and crossed his arms,not buying Balthazar’s act.  
“Alright,whatever.”But he decided to keep that to himself.  
The next day  
“What day is it today!?”  
Sam eagerly jumped out of his bed as soon as he saw that Dean was going into his room to grab his jacket.  
“It’s Sammy’s birthday!”Dean answered almost as eagerly as Sam did,and he wasn’t faking it.  
He was actually happy to see Sammy celebrate his birthday every year.  
The day his mom died,and dad walked away,Dean was happy to celebrate every year he was still with Sammy,both of them alive and well.It was hard at first,dealing with the fact that both of his parents were gone,but he had uncle Bobby who took care of them for years.Yes,they didn’t get everything they wanted,but they cherished what they had,and the only time Bobby would become a big spender would be on their birthdays.  
Dean protested to this,saying he was too old to have the party that every 13 year old dreams of,and that Bobby didn’t have to spend so much money on him every year,but Bobby didn’t take no for an answer.  
And this year,they were planning to throw Sam the biggest party he ever had.  
“Happy birthday Sammy!”Dean shouted and they were joined by Bobby,bringing Sam a grilled cheese sandwich with a candle on it.  
Sam and Dean gave an applause when Bobby walked in and Sammy blew out the candle.  
But Bobby,the responsible guy he was,told Sam to eat his sandwich and go to school.  
When Sam left Dean and Bobby started organizing everything.  
They’ve already invited most of the people that Sam hanged out with.The only ones left were their cousins and the Novaks.Even thought they were much older than Sam,he thought that all of them were like the Fellowship Of The Ring.  
Somehow he got into his head that Michael was Aragon because he seemed wise.Anna was Legolas because he was nice,Balthazar was Boromir,he was a good guy but looked after himself more than others.Gabriel was Gimli because he thought that Gimli was funny,and Cas was Frodo.The one who cared for other,and also had big blue eyes like Frodo.  
So he always looked up to them and Dean found it weird at first but gave up,and let the kid have his idols,so of course he had to invite them.He didn’t mind seeing Cas,even the rest of them it was just,he didn’t know how to react because of his conversation with Balthazar from the other day.  
But he still ended up picking his phone up from his pocket and calling Cas.  
The phone rang a couple of times,and just when he thought that Cas wouldn’t answer he heard a familiar voice.  
“Hey Cas.Bet you don’t know what today is.”  
“Good morning to you too Dean.And yes,I am well informed,it’s Sam’s birthday.I called him just a minute ago to wish him a happy birthday,and he invited me and my siblings to the not so surprise party you and Bobby are planning for him.”  
Dean’s face exploded of confusion and Bobby couldn’t help but ask him what it was.  
“Damn it Bobby!The kid’s on to us!”  
Bobby sighed.  
“I know.”  
The reply made Dean give a loud ‘what’.  
“He’s been onto us for years,who do you think gave me a guest list of all the people he wanted to invite.”  
Dean turned the phone to speaker.  
“Cas,you still here?”  
“Yes?”  
“I just wanted to thank you and Bobby.”  
“For what?”  
“For ruining the illusion!”  
He hung up and popped the balloon that Bobby had just blown.  
“Why’d you do that for?”  
“Because you stomped all over my childhood.”  
Dean said and made his way out of the house,straight to the bakery to pick up the cake for Sammy,on which right now he was ready to spit on.  
When he got to his baby,he sat in and relaxed.  
The impala felt more comfortable than ever.  
The next moment his phone rang and Dean just kept repeating ‘damn it’ in his head,over and over and over again.  
He didn’t like when anyone disturbed him when he was bonding with his car.  
“Yes Batlhazar?”He answered with a husky voice.  
“I’m curious,what do I buy your younger brother with a brain bigger than yours?”  
Dean saw that comment coming.Everyone else always told him that even thought Sam was younger,he looked smarter,which Dean didn’t take to heart,he was glad Sammy was turning out smart,but wondered about the Novak’s opinion on him.Michael thought he was smart,Balthazar that he isn’t.Dean just wanted them to make up their minds without actually telling them that.  
“Buy him a book or something.”  
“That’s really cliché, I was thinking I’d just buy him a bottle of Tequila and get the job done!”  
“You do know you’re talking about my younger brother,right?”  
“Whatever,I’ll find something else.”  
He hung up and Dean made his way to the bakery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well I know where I'm going it's just a struggle not being sure if I should give this a happy or sad ending,opinions? :)


	10. Last night is nothing but a distant memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See you at the end :3

When Dean opened his eyes his vision blurred with last nights distant memories, even if some were cut off and choppy

Everything he did remember, was in bits and pieces. The only thing he remembered right away was just fifteen minutes from the party.

He remembered making Sam talk to Jess, which he did and they ended up dancing.Then he remembered the Novaks showing up and him wanting to hit Balthazar because he ended up bringing booze, which he didn’t really want Sam to drink yet, so Balthazar and him ended up drinking everything.

That’s why now,he couldn’t see straight and his head felt like it was going to explode.

After a few seconds of lying in self pity he also remembered that he had

told Cas to sleep over,but he couldn’t really remember why.

To his surprise,the next thing Dean noticed was that he was on the floor with a half empty bottle of beer next to him.

Where the hell did he get beer?

Dean covered his eyes for a brief moment before looking around him.

Looks like he wasn’t the only one who invited people to spend the night.

On the couch were some of Sam’s friend,curled up to make room.Next to them on the floor was no other than Jo who he hadn’t thought came. By the looks of it she had joined them in drinking,

Bobby still wasn’t home,because if he was,he would smack Dean around a couple of times for telling him ten times to not let things get too out of hand,and the ripped curtains,burned rug,and broken glasses told a different story.

Dean tried getting up but everything was still spinning.

His head was worse.

The more it hurt,the more he remembered from the previous night.

Finally,he managed to get up,placing one hand on the nearby table and the other on his head,Dean made slow movements towards the stairs to see the whole situation.

When he looked up he realized that it would be nearly impossible to get up the stairs in his condition which he didn’t understand.

'Did Balthazar put crack in his drink or something!?' Dean wondered because he had never felt this bad.

“Dean..”A voice,to familiar,stood behind him.

“Lisa..”He looked at the girl in confusion.”What are you-”

“Listen Dean,I get it,you were drunk but come on!You have some explaining to do! I mean I’m not going to be the sappy ex bu-“

“Ex?”He interrupted her,having no clue what she was going on about.

“You really don’t remember?Wow..”She laughed.”This is going to be a fun talk!”

The next thing he knew was that Lisa sat him down on the floor and started telling him things that seemed like a dream,at least they felt like they were dreams.

“So..It’s like this,you called me at..one-ish to tell me to come over so you can talk to me,and I did,and when I got here you told me we were over and when I asked why,you started crying and said it’s because you love someone who will never love you back.”

Dean’s mouth blew wide open.Boy was he good at keeping his secrets.

“So,when I tried to calm you down and ask you why you wouldn’t tell that person how you feel you, said that that person is so damaged right now,you wouldn’t want to do anything that can make it even worse.Mind explaining?”

Dean was just sitting on the floor,mouth still open,blinking,trying to bring himself to full consciousness, because he sill felt like he was in some dreaming state,half asleep,half awake.

“I did that?Wait…I cried?”

Lisa laughed.

“And Lisa, why are you even awake now?And what are you still doing here?”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay so I stayed ,and just before you woke up,I went to the bathroom,and when I came back..here you were..”

“Oh..”

“Dean,just tell me,honestly,were you talking about Cas?”

“What?!”Dean’s hand flew back and it was obvious he was getting nervous.”No..are you crazy?No!He’s my best friend an-”

“Dean,listen,it’s okay!It’s no secret that he tried to kill himself,and Dean..the way you look at him is just..Different than you look at Jo,or Bela,or..me..”

Dean never really thought of it that way.Did he really look at Cas differently?Was it that obvious?

“Well,Lisa…He’s like family.”

“You don’t look at Sam like that.He’s just..special.I can’t explain it,but it’s obvious you love him so much,and I had my suspicion but now..”

“What?”

“Yeah,I always thought there was something between the two of you,I mean you share ‘the look’.”

She took Dean’s hand and placed it between hers.

“Look,you know I love you,and I always will,and I know you love me..but..as a friend.”

“Lisa,I don’t know what to say except that I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?It’s okay,I get it.Just promise me that we’ll stay friends?”

“Promise!”Dean said and hugged her.

Now,he was feeling a little bit more awake,and his entire soul felt better because he didn’t have to lie anymore,at least not to Lisa.Even though he wasn’t in love with her,she still meant a lot to him.

“So,what now?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you just tell him?I mean..I’ve seen you drunk and you have never cried..not even when Bela accidentally microwaved your hamster.”

“It was Bela!?”

Lisa’s eyes widened and she broke into a laugh.

“Wait..she told us she told you!?”

“She said he ran away..Lucky..I’ll avenge you!”

“no seriously,what are you planning to do?It’s obviously hurting you.”

“What can I do?The poor guy’s really having a tough time.What can I do?”

“Well it’s obvious something’s hurting him too,he’s just finding a different way to deal with it.Why don’t you try talking to him?”

Dean smirked.”You really think I didn’t?”

“Well make him talk to you!”

For a moment the room was silent. But it was broken by Dean’s thought.

“Speaking of him..have you seen him anywhere?”

“Not really..I was upstairs and the only people up there are some of Sam’s friends,Balthazar passed out and Sam and some blonde girl..I think her name is Je..Jessie?”

“Jessica?”Deans asked looking surprised.

“Yes!”

“And where are they?”

“Sleeping on a mattress in the hallway.His arm is around her.”

“Score!”Dean said, feeling like a proud brother.”Wait..what is a mattress doing in the hallway?!”

Lisa couldn’t help but laugh again.”You were passed out,they were mattress surfing.”

“What?”

“Oh,you lay on the mattress while going down the stairs,it’s a lot of fun actually,they made me try it.”

“Going off subject..”

“Right..So I saw them,but..no Castiel.”

Dean and Lisa shared a look. Castiel was supposed to stay the night wasn’t he?

2 hours earlier

The party was getting a bit out of hand for Castiel’s taste.

The only thing he’s been doing is drinking something,eating cake and talking to Dean who was getting more and more wasted by the minute.

Cas tried to make him stop playing drinking games with Balthazar and Jo but he wouldn’t listen and just cut him off to tell him how majestic cows actually are.

And now,when Dean finally decided to take a break,he asked Castiel to bring him some water which the boy did.

As he made his way to the place where Dean was sitting he saw that he was missing.

Looking around the room in worry,Castiel felt relieved but sad when he found Dean.

He was with Lisa.When she came in Dean greeted her with a hug,took her hand,walked her to the other room and they started talking.

What is he doing with her?

Oh right,she’s his girlfriend,and I’m just his best friend,of course he would blow me of to go talk to her.

The disappointing thought crossed Castiel’s mind and he just ended up sitting on the stairs,alone with his misery.

Throughout the next hours his thoughts got bad again.

Worse and worse by the moment,especially at the times when he saw Dean pass through,with Lisa following him like a puppy.

And by the next couple of hours when he could actually think,Castiel ended up a broken shell thanks to his thoughts.

But they were true.

Then he realized that all the times he imagined Dean and him being together,and thought it

would be possible were nothing more than empty fantasies that would never come true.

Why would they? Dean could have any girl he wanted,why would he want Castiel? Why would anyone think that Dean wasn’t a 110% pure straight ladies man?

And he finally saw their futures.

Dean would either break up with Lisa,find another girl and marry her,or stay with Lisa and marry her,and it wasn’t really important because the outcome would be the same.Dean would end up married to a girl,have a couple of kids with her and end up naming one of them Cas to always remember his best friend.

Castiel would also end up marrying a girl.Maybe he would learn to love her,but he knew he would never be in love with her,he knew he would never feel the spark he thought he had with Dean.

And then,he would find out that one of Dean’s kids is called Cas,fake a smile and thank Dean,even though it would still equally hurt if not get worse.

He finally knew his fate and he knew there was no escaping it.

But the same things would keep playing in his head,one sentence that he stayed true to.

It’s not fair.

That was the only thing Castiel could now think about.He knew that Lisa loved Dean but he knew,deep inside of him,that he could and would love Dean so much more.

Castiel knew that if he had the chance,he would give Dean his love along with every spark he had within him.

And then,a solution,the old solution popped up in his head again.

But he shook it off because trying to kill himself ended up so great that he was being treated like a plant now.

So that was a no for now,but he knew how he would at least feel better.He knew that there was a temporary way out.

Even though it was summer and he was no longer allowed to wear long sleeves,he knew that there were other places where he could slash his skin and no one would probably even notice,and even if they did,Castiel didn’t care anymore.

He honestly didn’t.

Because the worst thing that could happen to him would be going to therapy more often and being watched over all the time,but even so,he knew very well that he would find places to hide his sharp tongued friends that would often lay painful kisses on his body,and he knew he would find time and places where he would let them give him their love.

So,as people went by,hours passed and the dawn slowly came,Castiel stayed in the same position he was in,only he moved somewhere more private and just waited.

As the clock struck five AM he knew that there would surely be a store near by that is open now. Castiel remember the countless times he was passing by a store which said on the door that they opened at five AM.Without a sound,he made his way out.

The streets were so quiet it was unbelievable.

No noisy people,or loud cars,nothing.Just the painfully beautiful silence.

After a twenty minute walk he finally saw It.

The store he was looking for.It looked like it’s just been opened and that was perfect.

Castiel walked in,just looking for something sharp,something with a razor.

After realizing he was damned the only thing he could find were nail-scissors.

It wasn’t the best thing but it was what he had to work with.

After receiving an odd look from the pretty auburn haired cashier Castiel walked out,and walked into a small street hoping to avoid anyone seeing him,even though there was almost no one there.

Not having time to think about other places to do it,he pulled his shirt up and placed the scissors on his waist.Before he had to time to pull them,Castiel felt strong arms pulling him back.

He expected it to be one of his siblings but no.It was Dean.

He pulled him back into a big hug and it took Castiel by total surprise.

His warm embrace,his now shaky arms,wrapped around him so tight that it made everything in Castiel stop.

His movements.his breath and even his brain.

“Why!?”A voice sounding equally relieved and horrified asked.

Without words the voice repeated,this time in a rather louder tone after which releasing Cas from the hug.

“Look.”He finally said.”I don’t know why you guys are so worried about me when you have other people to worry about.I mean don’t you have to worry about your girlfriend or something instead of playing babysitter with me.”

“What do you mean why I’m worried about you Cas!?”Dean stopped for a moment looking at the remains of the person he thought his friend once was.

“And what does Lisa have to do with anything!?”

“Nothing.”Castiel lowered his head and started at the ground which right now,he wanted nothing more than to lay on and stay there until he dies.

“Look Cas,you didn’t want to talk to me before,okay I got it.But now I can’t take it anymore!Something is killing you and your silence is killing me,man!It’s killing me!Not knowing what’s happening to the person I called my best friend,my brother..”Dean’s voice broke, both from anger and pure disappointment.

“I’m sorry Dean but I ca-”

“Like shit you can’t!”Dean took in a breath,trying to calm himself.

“Listen to me,and I want to make sure you understand,tonight at eight you are going to come over and we are going to talk.You are going to let it out,whatever it is,no matter what it is.I want to know,I want to help,and you are going to let me!”

“What if I don’t want help?”

“Listen Cas,lying to me is one thing but stop trying to lie to yourself when it’s more that obvious that you both want and need help,I’m sorry for yelling but you know that eventually you gotta let it out.So promise me that you’ll come tonight.”

Castiel sighed and looked back at the ground.

“Cas,promise me.”

“I promise.”When those words came out of his mouth,Castiel knew he was more than screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thought?Opinions? The end is near my friends :)


	11. Face time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say sorry for any grammar mistakes if I have any,my beta isn't hereso I had to try and fix everything by myself O:)

When the day officially begun a lot of things happened even fore noon.  
When Bobby came home he spent an hour lecturing Dean because Sam swore that it was all Dean’s idea and that he saw him drinking.Bobby blindly believed the previous birthday boy,leaving Dean to clean everything up.  
Later on Dean made sure Sam would pay for it so Sam’s underwear suddenly went missing and all of his shoes were completely by accident,with no place in the matter,filled with chewed gum.  
While Dean was getting his payback,in another house on the other side of town,there was a boy,with dark hair and big blue eyes who was losing his mind,getting worse by the second,not knowing how t get out of revealing his last secret,and maintain his web of lies and secrets,desperately trying to untangle himself from it.  
11 AM  
Cas placed himself on the sofa.His mind,still with Dean on the street.  
Surfing channels didn’t really do anything but give him an even worse headache than he had before.  
He was doing alright.  
If losing his breath,having a panic attack,and crying was considered alright,then he was doing alright.  
And it was happening again.  
The very thought of seeing Dean tonight,telling him and seeing his disgusted reaction made Castiel lose his breath once more.  
Somehow he got up and slightly opened the window.The fresh and warm summer air blew in and he felt alive again,but just for a moment because the only thing the bried wind did was give him a temporary satisfaction by blowing his worries and memories away just for a little while to give him time to feel the air once more.  
Lapsing on the side of the window Castiel breathed as loud and deep as he could.  
And now,that the storm was passing he looked out.  
It was still peaceful.  
Sunny streets,filled with love.Even though his love story felt so tragic,Cas knew what the term ‘love is in the air’ meant.It was all around him and he felt it.He felt it consume him completely,and even though he suffered because of love,he knew it was still inside of him and that there was no getting it out of his system.  
“Hey Cas!”  
He quickly turned trying to keep up with his breathing.  
“Hello Anna.”He greeted his sister who look refreshed and ready to officially start her day.  
“So,when did you get back?”She asked kindly,offering him a fresh cup of coffee which Cas accepted taking a slow sip.  
“A couple of hours ago.”  
“And how was the party?”She smiled at him,not having a clue that Castiel was being tore apart on the inside by emotions which like wild beasts destroyed everything good inside of him.  
“It was fine.”  
“Cool.”She said and sat down on the couch.Castiel gave her an odd look because he could have sworn that he never actually heard his sister say ‘cool’ before.  
“So um,what have yu got planned for today?”  
“Well,I’m gonna hang here with you for a while,and then I can walk with you to therapy if you want?”  
“So basically-”He started,taking another sip.”You don’t trust me alone.”  
“You said it,not me!”She cleared her name and smiled at him.It was fact,none of his siblings truly trusted him alone.  
“So,what are your plans for the rest of the day?”  
“I’m going to get some lunch after therapy,and later I’m-”His expressions dropped as he remembered.”Going to Dean’s tonight.”  
“Why?”The redhead asked curiously.  
“To tell him something.”  
“What?”She asked once more looking at her brother,now looking tense.  
“You’ll know soon enough.”He said taking a breath and looking away from his sister.  
“Just promise me one thing.”He continued.  
“Alright.”She said,seeming a bit worried.  
“Promise me you won’t hate me.”  
She got up and wrapped her hands around Castiel’s waist,kissing the back of his head.”Why would I ever hate you Cas?”She asked quietly resting her head on his back.  
“Just promise me,alright?”He asked once more,completely serious.  
“I promise Cassie!”  
~o~  
“So Castiel,how are you doing today?”Miss Masters asked him and Castiel blankly started at her like he wasn’t even there.  
“Well..I’m still perfectly sane,but then,94% of psychotics think they’re perfectly sane,I guess we have to ask ourselves,what is sane?”  
“Castiel,you know I get shivers when you get deep when you panic,but we aren’t here to figure out what sane means,we’re here to talk about you.”  
“Alright.Well,I’m alright I guess.”He looked down,with a face trying to hide the obvious lie Miss Masters caught on from the moment he said it.  
“Why do I get a feeling you aren’t fine?”  
“Because I’m not.”He finally admitted it to her and t himself.Always afraid of saying it out loud along with other things because he knew that saying it outloud would make it true.  
He never even said that he was in love with Dean outloud because if he said it outloud it would mean that he was probably gay and the thought scared him for some reason because he always wanted to be as close to perfection as he possibly could because for some reason he wanted to live up to his parents’ expectations that he figured they had and being gay to some people would be considered as a flaw in a human being and a lot of people wouldn’t look at him the same way anymore.Well,that’s at least what he figured.  
So telling Miss Masters that he wasn’t alright like he thought he was expected to be,tore him in an unexpected way but also brought relief to him soul because he could finally say it.  
And he knew that if he ever told anyone his thoughts and theories no one wouldn’t get them and look at him strangely because they made no sense to the outside world,but to Castiel it was crystal clear.

Miss Masters looked at him,trying to catch his eyes.  
“Tell me about it.”She said quietly finally catching his stare.  
“Well,long and horrible story short,Dean is making me tell him why I do what I do and he told me to come over tonight and tell him everything and I started getting cold feet from the moment I agreed ,and I don’t know what to do!”  
“First of Castiel,”She put down the notebook she was holding and looked at him.”calm down.Stressing about it won’t make a difference!”She stated.  
He looked up at her,almost in tears.”How do I stop panicking?”  
“Here.”She took something from her pocket and handed it to the boy.  
Castiel looked at it and then at her because what she gave him was a stuffed pink rabbit,so small it could easily fit into anyone’s pocket.  
“Why?”He asked.  
“Keep this with you all the time.In your pocket or whatever.And every time that you start to panic squeeze It as hard as you can and keep doing that until the panic does away.It’s kinda like screaming into a pillow or breathing into a paper bag,but for your pocket.”  
He nodded and put the tiny rabbit in his pocket.  
“Well Castiel,sadly that’s all the time we have for today.”She said looking at her phone.”But listen to me.Tonight you’ll just come out and say it and everything is going to be alright!”  
“How do you know?”  
“Because I do.It’s gonna be alright and whatever happened,remember the pink bunny you have in your pocket and if things go bad you know what to do,also you have my number and whatever happens,call me and let me know.No matter the outcome?”  
Castiel nodded and made his way out the office.  
He took a look at his watch and saw that it was only 5:30 and he still had some time before he thought he would go to Dean,so he decided to go to the place he rarely went to.Starbucks.  
The last time he was there he was with Anna,and she made him eat muffins and a chai-frappuccino.  
~o~  
2 Caramel frappuccinos and a couple of scones later Castiel felt a little more relaxed but on his way to Dean’s the butterflies in his stomach went wild.  
When he approached the house he knocked,and secretly played that no one would be home but ofcourse,Dean was there.  
“Glad you didn’t stand me up.”Dean said and Castiel felt like he wanted to throw up and faint at the same time.Without a word he entered the house and was taken to Dean’s room.  
When he sat on the bed he couldn’t help but glance out the door,seriously thinking about just running out and Dean saw that so he took Castiel’s attention by asking the thin he was aching to ask for a very long time.  
“Why do you do it?”  
And just like.  
“Wait,so out in the open-straight away question,not even a little small talk?”Castiel tried to remain calm.  
“What’d you expect?”  
Castiel looked at his shoes and smiled because that was actually how he expected Dean to ask him.In every scenario he had in his head the question would be asked the exact same way.  
And now,it was up to him.He was either going to lie his ass off until he could think of something Dean would actually believe,or actually be honest.  
“So?”Dean asked again,but not impatiently,he was just tired of the secrets and wanted to know.  
In his mind Castiel would always tell him that it wasn’t his problem,but now in real life,looking at Dean’s face even for a second made him weak and stopped him from avoiding the question.  
Because I love you.  
Because I want to spend the rest of my life with you.  
Because I secretly want to fuck you.  
Because I can’t stand the thought of you not loving me back like I love you.  
Those were just some of the things Castiel could say and just throw his heart out,but he knew he couldn’t.  
“Because I like how it feels.It feels good.”Castiel said instead looking at the disappointing look on Dean’s face who was sure he was lying again.But he wasn’t.It felt good.It took the real pain away,even for moments,but he still felt better.  
“Why?”  
Castiel kept his eyes on Dean,rarely blinking and letting his brain come up with a reply.  
Because it’s better than you not loving me.  
It was all he could think of but he ended up saying  
“Because it does.”  
In the next moment,Dean took his hand and turned it,and looked straight into Castiel’s eyes.  
“That feels good?”  
He asked in disbelief.”Really?”  
Castiel tried tugging his hand away,but Dean made his grip stronger,not letting it move.  
“Comparatively.”He whispered,no still looking straight at Dean.  
As soon as it slipped out of his mouth,Castiel knew he was a dead man and he couldn’t forgive himself for letting it slip like that.  
He opened his mouth to try and take it back,but was stopped by Dean.  
“To what?”He asked.  
In the next moment Castiel felt his breathing get harder and the room hotter.  
In his mind he prayed he was having a panic attack and Dean would just give him a pill that would knock him out and slip his out of this nightmare.  
But ofcourse,when life hates you,it hates you till the end.  
“To feelings.”He finally said and he knew he was going down because he was in way to deep to easily get out of this one.  
“Like?”It was obvious that Dean wasn’t letting this one go and Castiel hated him for that.  
He knew he could lie again,maybe not completely getting himself out but enough to avoid what he knew was coming.  
But then an image flashed into his head and his ability to lie disappeared.It was him and Dean many years from now,together,in love and happy.  
He lost his control and his arm twitched as he got himself out of his fantasy.  
At the end of the day he was still a stupid teenager,in stupid love,with a stupid guy and that one image ended up being stronger that him trying not to fuck this up.  
But now,he knew he should just say that it’s because of stress from school or something Dean could by,but he opened his mouth and no words escaped it.He felt his inside burn and something in his chest get tighter and tighter,but that’s what he felt.Dean didn’t know that so he just asked him once more,this time actually demanding an answer.

“What feelings?”He asked again and Castiel started into his bright green eyes,full of care and worry and before he knew it,he said what he was afraid to.  
“Feeling for you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thoughts?Opinions?


	12. The life of the dead is placed in the memory of the living

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again,sorry for the spelling errors if there are any,my beta is still not here :)

Dean's eyes grew open as he pulled back,leaving Castiel's hand.  
The words went into his mind and it took some time to process.But when Dean realized what Castiel had just said,a wave of shock and guilt hit him like lightning.  
It's all been for him.  
The cuts,the pills,the pain,the despair,it's all been for him and Dean was just to caught up in his own world and too selfish to realize it.  
His mouth went dry and his throat sore,distracting him from even noticing how fast his heart was beating.  
His mind flipped threw thought he wouldn't quite grasp.It was just too hard.  
"They're good feelings."Cas whispered still not quite looking at Dean but he could actually feel how tense his friend was getting."I mean they suck for me but for alot of other people,they're good feelings."  
At first Dean didn't quite understand what Castiel meant by 'good feelings'but it hit him.  
The feeling they shared.  
Love.  
Dean understood because he knew what love was.He's been feeling it for the past year.It was a feeling he had for the person he destroyed without even knowing it.  
But now he knew.He knew that they've been feeling the same thing for some time now and they were both cowards in their own way,not being able to confess them.  
It was oblivious actually.  
A thanks to that oblivion he was now sitting near someone so broken and it was all his fault.  
And all that time he thought he was helping,he hadn't be doing shit because if he really wanted to help he would have just come out and told Cas how he felt and nothing would have gone the way it did.  
"Me?"Dean barely croaked out."Because of me?"  
Castiel shifted uncomfortably not even realizing that Dean didn't freak out because he didn't feel the same.  
"Going to be sick."Dean managed,stumbling out of the room and into the bathroom locking the door behind him.  
Dean's legs betrayed him and we fell on his knees breathing heavily.  
Everything around him blurry like when he woke up after the party.  
He felt his body go numb and grabbed the edge of the toilet seat to stop himself from falling completely on the floor.  
He did feel sick.But contrary to Castiel's thought the person who made Dean sick was non other but Dean.  
After letting bits and pieces of what just happened sink in,Dean pulled out his phone and with a shaky hand,somehow brought it to his ear.  
"What's wrong?"Balthazar's voice was loud.He was obviously at a club.Typical.  
"Castiel has feelings for me.."He choked out.  
"Wait..you know?"The noise got quieter seeming like Balthazar headed out of the club.  
" You bastard!You knew!?"Dean yelled out and winced after he heard footsteps and moment later his front door open and close."It was all because of me."He said resting his head on the tioletseat.  
"I really love him Balthazar."He said as if expected to."And I ended up completely destroying him because I didn't have the balls to tell him."  
"Well tell him nowyou idiot!"After a moment of clear silence,Batlhazar spoke.  
"I can't,he's run off."A couple of seconds later Dean breathed in the most painful air he ever had,realizing what he said.  
"Oh my God..What if I really killed him this time!?"  
Dean got up,leaning onto a wall,trying to keep a steady breath.  
"We'll find him!"Balthazar tried,on the edge of his tone,trying to give Dean a sense of a little security.  
"We?"  
"You didn't think I go clubbing alone,did you?I dragged Michael with me because my lovely Atropos is sick."  
Dean was finally steady on his feet slowly walking out of the bathroom./  
"Listen,"He heard Batlhazar continue."We'll find him I promise you that,but you have to promise me that tonight I only have to worry about one of you."  
"I promise."Deanspoke,his voice a little less shaky that it was."And it's not me."  
"Don't worry."Balthazar tried to encourage him but he was equally as scared.  
He hung up and Dean made his way to the nearest chair,throwing himself on it,trying not to picture Cas splattered on the road somewhere.  
~o~  
Castiel had just a mear hoodie cover up his head.He started at the ground and walked threw the neverending darkness.  
And that's all it was now.Everything around him.Nothing but darkness.  
Every second thought in his head demanded him to do the thing he once failed.To just kill himself but this time make sure he gets it right.And every time a shinning light told him not to do it,it would be smothered by the thought of Dean,who got sick by just hearing that Castiel was inlove with him.  
He knew he had to do it.  
This time with even more determination than last time.  
The difference now was that his idea of keeping calm wouldn't wock because every time he would think about staying calm would make him anxious.His fingers twitched inside his pockets.  
Cas turned again and saw Dean's house fading in the distance even though he wasn't very far.  
When he turned back he was the old building where he would go to play with his friends.  
It was fun going there.It's where he could say that his life started because he made his first friend there,and now,with a lifeless grin on his face it was decided that it would also be the place where his life ended.  
The thought made shivers crawl threw his body and he started walking towards it.  
During the walk he thought about how his siblings would react,and how Dean would go on without his best friend.  
But in a way Cas thought that Dean would be happy without having a best friend with a crush on him.  
Maybe everyone would be happy without him to worry about.  
Just as he snapped out of his thought,he heard a voice behind him.  
For the first time in a long while,life was good to him.  
It wasn't anyone of his siblings or Dean,it was Jo.  
"Hi Cas!"She greeted him with a kind smile.  
"Hi Jo."He greeted back,smiling at her,trying his best to seem as normal as possible.And Jo seemed to have bought it.  
"What's up?I haven't seen you at school for a while.  
It seemed like she wasn't even informed while Cas was there thinking that everyone was.Maybe it was just gossip,and one pf the things he loved about Jo was that she never really listened to gossip.  
"Yeah,I had some bug but it's over now,I'll be coming back soon."He lied threw his teeth once more.  
"Oh,I'm happy to hear that!Rachel misses you like crazy"  
The girl smiled and soon after waved and walked away.As soon as she was away,Castiel's plastic smile dropped and he was back on his path of self destruction.  
The building was close now,almost a couple of steps away.  
It was just like it used to be 12 years ago.  
Old,smelly,dirty..Just as he remembered it.  
The old elevator still worked and the light in it still flickered.  
It took the boy to the last floor after which he took the stairs to the roof.  
Opening the old rusty door he looked around it.  
All the memories of his childhood came back in a rush.  
Now he perfectly remembered every time he came up there with Rachel,Samadriel and Balthazar.They would throw the ball around and it would fall of the edge of the roof which wasn't a really big deal for them then.  
And now,after all this time he was back up there.  
For the first time the night was with him.Usually he would be there in the morning,but then again,usually he would be there to play,not to commit suicide.  
Taking careless steps towards the edge every thought in his head told him to just get it over with until without even noticing he was at the very end of the roof.Looking down he saw tiny cars and heads.  
Castiel felt panic start to take over and he quickly pulled away a couple of steps.  
He didn't want to jump,he didn't want to splat,he didn't want to die and most of all he didn't want to be a burden that Dean would carry for the rest of his life.  
But he had to.  
Now that all of his secrets were revealed there was nothing more keeping him from the disgusted faces of everyone he knew.They would all jugde him and Dean probably wouldn't even talk to him.  
He took a step closer.  
Dean's face flashed into his head.His pale face after he found out the truth.  
The moment that face appeared his entire web of lies spun out of control.There were just the two of them.  
One helplessly in love and one repulsed.  
Another step closer.  
It would all end now.No more cuts,no more pain,no more secrets.No more anything.  
It would just be his body on the ground.His soul would be somewhere far away and he wouldn't have to worry about anything anymore.  
He wouldn't have to worry about what Dean thought,he wouldn't have to worry about his siblings even though so far they only worried about him.And most of all,he wouldn't have to worry about the love he felt for Dean killing him on the inside because Dean would never feel the same way.  
Another step closer.  
Now he was at the edge.One step was between him and the cold hard ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...I finally decided that the next chapter is going to be the last and I am going to leave it at that and not tell you if the ending is going to be happy or sad because of the simple reason that I still don't know.I had everything planned and I wanted to keep the ending a mystery even for myself because writing a story is a lot more fun that way :) And in advance,thank you everyone who read my story,you guys have been great and I hope that you'll want some more stuff from me <3 Love,Lola


	13. Someone to watch over me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you read the notes at the end when you finish ! :)

Castiel stood so close to the view of open streets that a merciful wind could just knocked him over.  
He closed his eyes and took what he thought would be his last ever breath,secretly hoping that wind would just throw him on the street because he wasn't sure he would do it himself.  
And just as he leaned over,expecting to feel his body destroy the peaceful air and last on the ground,tight arms wrapped around him and threw him back.  
It took him some time to realize what just happened.  
Infront of him everything was dizzy but he could make out Michael on top of him screaming at him and holding him still to the ground not even giving him an option to move.  
Behind him,Balthazar was talking on the phone.  
"Fuckng hell!"Michael yeled,gripping him even harder,keeping him on the ground and he didn't seem like planning to let go anytime soon.  
"Castiel you fucking idiot!"He still wasn't calming down."What the hell were you thinking!?"  
Castiel just stared at him.Ashamed of himself not really knowing what to say.He could only feel the cold wind blow everywhere around him.  
"He loves you!"  
The words came out of Michael's mouth and Castiel couldn't believe what he was hearing.  
"What?"He asked quietly,his eyes wide open,not even blinking.  
"He loves you!You just didn't stick around to hear it!"  
The calm feeling that Castiel felt after was something he didn't think he would ever feel again.The peace that roamed inside of him was something so familiar like it's been taken away and after a long time,finally returned.  
He felt it run threw his veins and calm every single part of him individually until he was left with nothing but calmness and he just let all the worry get out of his body.  
~o~  
Dean was sitting in an uncomfortable armchair Bobby bought,looking at the dusty clock on the wall.\  
As it ticked Dean counted every second until Balthazar would call him,letting him know that Castiel,the guy he loved with all his heart is dead just because of him.  
Just imagining Cas,somewhere on the street,covered in blood and everyone standing in shock next to him,wondering why he did it,while the one responsible for the disaster was sitting at home,staring at a clock.It made Dean even more sick just thinking about it,but was snapped back to reality by Sam's gentle hand,who came home not more than 10 minutes ago and found the mess that was now his brother.  
"They'll find him."  
He promised and Dean just looked at him,broken and damned.  
"Why didn't I just tell him?"He was still looking at him,broken eyes,begging for an answer,something to justify him.  
Sam bit his lip.He was 14 and just informed of what has been happening.Yes,he knew that Dean was into Cas,but never that it was also the other way around.  
"He didn't tell you."He just let out,patting Dean on the shoulder.  
"He's a teenager,ofcourse he didn't!"Dean interrupted and Sam rolled his eyes.  
"So are you!"  
Dean sighed and looked down.  
"Young and in love can make you do stupid things."Sam said,staring into the distance.  
"Listen Sammy,if this lawyer thing doesn't work out,you can totally move on to writing poetry or greeting cards."  
The joke wasn't that funny but Sam ended up laughing hard because atleast it changed the subject.  
For a couple of seconds the situation was calm but after that they were again hit and reminded of the tragedy that was upon them  
"You know-"Dean started."If he kills himself-"He continued quietly,only sure that Sam heard him after he felt his grip on his shoulder."I'm probably gonna kill myself too because at the end of the day it's all my fault."Sam's grip got even tighter and Dean knew that that was probably the stupidest thing he could ever say to him.I mean telling your little brother that you're gonna kill yourself was just not necessary.  
Sam was going to say something but was cut off by the phone ring.  
It was Dean's phone on the table ringing and before Dean could pick it up,Sam grabbed it and answered.  
"Hello,Balthazar?"He asked and Dean tried to hear what he was saying but he failed because of Sam's words.  
"What?Where?"Sam asked nervously and Dean watched his hands twitch in his lap as he prepared for the bad news.  
"Mhm,okay."  
Sam hung up and looked deeply into Dean's eyes,who was almost at tears getting ready to drive baby off of the nearest bridge.  
And just as Dean was ready to burst out in tears,Sam's words stopped him.  
"They found him."He said and a giant smile appeared on his face."Just in time-"He stopped for a moment and the smile got smaller."Before he jumped."  
In that moment,every worry,every thought of Castiel dead and every thought of a sad ending escaped from Dean and went somewhere far far away.He closed his eyes and breahed in wonderful air.The entire night he felt like the air is disappearing but nowit was back and fresher than ever.  
"Did they say where they were?"Dean asked,eyes closed,enjoyingthe tranquility  
Sam answered with a loud yes and Dean was on his way.  
~o~  
It's been ten minutes since they caught him and they were still there.On the roof of the building,except now Michael wasn't on top of Castiel crushing his entire body.He was sitting quietly next to him while Balthazar paced from left to right waiting for someone to say something,anything because the silence was killing him.  
So after he couldn't take it anymore he finally spoke.  
"So now what?"He asked and Michael and Castiel shared a look that only told that neither of them had any idea.  
"Well?"Balthazar asked again."Does this mean that you stop?Does it mean everything is back the way it was before?"  
"Well.."Michael started."It's gonna be a long time before things get back to normal,but I think they will,although it isn't really up to me."He stated and gave Castiel a soft,comforting look.  
Castiel nodded giving them a sign that everything is gonna be okay,atleast when it comes to him.  
"So.."Balthazar spoke sitting next to them."Are Anna and Gabe going to find out about this?"He asked and worry showed on their faces because that was something they both forgot about.  
"Well,I think that it would be dangerous hiding this from them because if something were to happen again-"He stopped when he was the sad look on Castiel's face that only showed regret.  
"But-"He continued."If I can get a promise from you"He pointed at Cas."That stuff like this isn't going to happen again,I guess they just don't have to know.I mean I'll tell them only the good stuff like that everything is going to be fine and if you don't mind,tell them why."  
Cas nodded again and smiled at his brother.  
All of their heads turned when they heard the heavy door open behind them.  
Out of the darkness of the hallway came out Dean,looking exhausted and worn out.  
He put his hands on his stomach,narrowed his head and breathed in loudly.  
"Hi guys.."He said through a breath.  
When he got his head back up,he tried remaining calm and not look like he was a crying-panicking-depressed mess.  
So he faked a smile and walked over to them.  
Michael slowly got up,pulling Balthazar with him.  
"Balthazar I think we have to get to the thing that we were supposed to go to."  
"What thing?"Balthazar asked and grinned at him making Michael become the soccer mom that makes her kind leave birthday parties earlier.  
"You know,the thing!"He said and pulled him towards the door,slamming it behind him.  
Dean just stood there,looking down at Cas who was looking somewhere into the distance,cool wind making his hair and mess and the weak lights on the roof reflecting into his eyes,making them look like crystals.They were perfect.  
"So-"Dean started and sat down right next to Cas.  
"I have this friend and well,"he laughed."he liked this guy and was afraid to tell him."  
Cas looked at him,but only for a moment and then looked back into the direction in which we was looking at before.  
"You see,my friend was afraid to tell this guy that he liked him because he was sure he wouldn't feel the same way.So when this guy confessed that he liked him,my friend was an idiot and ran out of the room instead of just telling him and then he thought it was too late so he spent the last half an hour facing this panic attack that he thought he would never have.And now,because someone upstairs smiled at him,he got a second chance."  
Castiel felt something and looked down to see Dean's handover his.  
He was now looking at him.Right into his eyes.  
Everything inside of him told him to look away because he felt ashamed because of what he did,but feeling Dean's soft touch made him stay and keep looking into the two green orbs that looked so beautiful and stared straight into his heart.  
"So,I'm grabbing my second chance,I mean my friend is!"They both laughed for a moment."And he swears he isn't going to screw it up/"  
Dean closed his and stayed like that only for a short time.His heart raced and he somehow opened them again,ready to take his second chance.  
"I love you Cas."He said quietly and God,it felt so good to say.It was like a song he memorized as kid but never got to sung it.And finally it was out.The four words he wanted to say for a long time.He finally did it..  
"I love you too Dean."Cas said smiling like it was the first time.  
His smile,now real,wide and joyful.  
"And one more thing."Dean said taking a piece of paper from his pocket and giving it o Cas who carefully opened it.  
He read what it said quietly and a smile,somehow even bigger than the last was,was now all over his face.  
"Just think of all the moments that we spent.I just can't let you go from me,we were meant.I didn't mean to hurt you,but I know,in the game of love, you reap what you sow. "  
He read this time louder."Wait,I asked you how the words went a while ago..you remembered?"  
Cas asked and Dean laughed,still keeping his eyes on Cas.  
He folded the paper and stuffed it in his pocket."It's officially my new lucky charm."  
Dean's hand was still on Castiel's and he held it tighter leaning in slowly.  
For a moment he stopped,not sure if he could actually do it because in his head it was all just a fantasy,something he thought would never come true but now,it was really happening.  
He decided to just go for it and leaned in so close he could actually feel Castiel's warm breath.  
He stopped again but before he knew it Castiel lips were pressed against his.He was actually kissing Castiel and this was something he wanted for so long.  
They kissed with such a spark that people say is just in made up stories and that no kiss was that special but they could swear that their was.  
They lips soon broke apart and their eyes met again.Both looking at eachother in disbelief,praying that if it was a dream they could stay in it just a little longer or never wake up at all because the moment was so pure and perfect that they never really wanted it to end.But realizing that everything that had happened wasn't just some tale that's been told,that it really happened,made them so full of light and love because they were still there.The chances of this perfect moment were so unlikely to happen that defeat was at their very feet,almost caught up.  
But they made it,alive and happy now,and for a very long time after.  
THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well,that's it? It's strange,you know,finishing it,actually finishing something.And I wanted to thank you guys for reading and point out that I know I suck at endings!But I hope you liked it and please tell me what you thought of the story and if you want me to write another fic :)


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